Tickle Our Funny Bones

[ZWarrior]

“Marie Antoinette said that feeding the peasants was a piece of cake.”

[ZWarrior]

During Susy's brother's wedding, her mother managed to keep from crying until she glanced at Susy's grandparents. Her grandmother had reached over to her grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start Susy's mother's tears flowing.

After the wedding, Susy's mom went over to her grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.

"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still alive."

[Boomslang]

George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline
>
>
>Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use.
>
>
>The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal
>immigrants!
>
>
>That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas
>would
>come down.
>
>
>Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an
>illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some
>ammo and ship him to Iraq.  Tell him if he wants to come to America then he
>must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's
>there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a
>citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be
>taxed and be a legal patriot.
>
>
>This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a
>solution
>for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for
>themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the
>canteen, rifle or ammo.
>
>
>Problem solved.
>

[ZWarrior]

Originally posted by Boomslang
... If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.
>

Sounds like a solution to me!  Good joke.

[Spade]

The six stages of married life:

1: Tri-weekly
2: Try weekly
3: Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5: Try anything
6: Try to remember

LOL

[ZWarrior]

Oh so familiar that one.

Q:  What is a pirate's favorite fast food?

A:  Arrrby's

[ZWarrior]

The tonight show put a "Free photo booth" in the Universal Studios park, and had a comedian doing the talking to the guests while they getting their pictures taken.

Funnier than I make it sound.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=8XjuVSpUgbA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvygLiahSdg
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vAjcMrhBfuo

[(A!)Rico]

Little Tony on Math

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."



LITTLE TONY ON MATH

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the freaking difference?" asks the father

"That's what I said!"










LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just freaking beautiful!'"

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own business




Thought i would stop by and say hello to everyone! I figured this would be the most appropriate thread since this is where i dedicated most of posts.

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

HEY RICO!!!!  Nice to hear from you.. Funny joke



 

[ZWarrior]

________________________________

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"!
 For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named  after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
 
That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S . You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
 
Here are the Stella's for the past year:
 
7TH PLACE :
 
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son


6TH PLACE:
 
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
 
 
5TH PLACE:
 
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the
homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.
 
 Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...
 
 
4TH PLACE :
 
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly
shot the dog with a pellet gun.
 
3RD PLACE :
 
Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
 
 
2ND PLACE :
 
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
 
 1ST PLACE : (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
 
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set . The Oklahoma jury awarded her (are you sitting down?) $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also
buy a motor home.
 
Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...? Ya think??!!
 
More than a few of our judge's elevators don't go to the top floor either!

[opiesilver]

Oh wow...great post!!!! 

[ZWarrior]

The new head coach for University of Nebraska- Lincoln is Bo Pelini.  Don't know anything about him?  Here are some facts...

• When Pelini takes a swim, he doesn't get wet, the water gets Pelinied.
• Bo Pelini doesn't read offenses. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• Before Chuck Norris goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Bo Pelini.
• Bo Pelini could kill Chuck Norris nine different ways with his headset and four different ways with his play chart.
• Bo Pelini sleeps with a night light. Not because he is afraid of the dark but because the dark is afraid of Bo.
• Bo Pelini doesn't fart, he detonates.
• Superman wears Bo Pelini pajamas to bed.
• Bo Pelini didn't hang the moon. He stared down an asteroid and it stopped in it's tracks.
• Bo Pelini's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Bo Pelini.
• Bo Pelini was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
• Bo Pelini doesn't cut his grass, he dares it to grow.
• They say that Superman's only weakness is kryptonite. Bo Pelini laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
• Bo Pelini's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Bo Pelini will not take crap from anyone
• Bo Pelini once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.
• Bo Pelini can build a snowman out of rain.
• Bo Pelini's wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to kick butt."

[JollyRoger]

Think I just Vomited, no I actually did...
[Swallows]

[opiesilver]

I came seriously close to puking myself.   

[ZWarrior]

what kinda of weak little sissy boys we got in here anyway?

IS JOKE!!!!

[ZWarrior]

Driving along the interstate the other day I saw a billboard that said, "Need help?  Call Jesus, 1-800-005-3787".  Out of curiosity I called the number...

A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.

[ZWarrior]

   Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.

 In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.

Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

[ZWarrior]

Airplane maintenance
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
*****************************
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
*****************************
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
*****************************
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
*****************************
(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit
*****************************
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed
*****************************
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level
*****************************
(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order
*****************************
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
*****************************
(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
*****************************
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for
*****************************
(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
*****************************
(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
*****************************
(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
*****************************

[JollyRoger]

[opiesilver]

Real programemrs don't use any of those.  You use those for scripting which is not considered programming but rather just sys admin stuff.  Real programmers just use a text file with vi that they can then run make to use complier library file to encrypt thier program inot machine readable code.

[ZWarrior]

MASM is the way baby.
Yes, I actually learned that in college. *shudder*

[opiesilver]

That's just a GUI'd scripting tool that Access developers love cause they don't have to think too hard.

[ZWarrior]

nope, there was no GUI for that.  It was all pure peek, push, pull, pop.  *shudders again*

[Boomslang]

A Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced
 that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks.'

 A German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of
 one person put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor says, 'In my country medicine is so advanced we
can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks.'
 
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are
 way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, make her President, and then half the country will be out looking for work in one week.'
 

[ZWarrior]

Stop!  You're killing me!