Tickle Our Funny Bones

[ZWarrior]

A farmer brought his daughter a pet pig, which she called "Stinky" when it was in her room but she called it "Ballpoint" when it was in the sty.

"Tell me," he asked her father, "Why do you have two names for your pig?"

"That's easy," she replied. "Ballpoint is just his pen name."

[Mr_Anderson]

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I'm going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

[ZWarrior]

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over dinner, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that letter arrived!"

[ZWarrior]

Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."

Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left."

[ZWarrior]

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"

[ZWarrior]

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted, "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

[ZWarrior]

Years ago there was a baker's assistant whose sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making sausage rolls (apparently the royal family loved sausage). Because people were identified by their professions, he was just called Richard the Pourer.

One day Richard ran out of some key ingredients, namely a secret spice he used in the batter. He called his apprentice and sent him to the store to buy more spices. When the apprentice arrived at the store, he found that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient.

Hoping that the storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him by saying, "It's for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst."

[ZWarrior]

Do you know the top 5 Signs that your company is planning to lay you off? Here they are:

5. You frequently overhear the CEO mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny- Miney-You"

4. The guys from the mailroom see you, and their first response is "Oh, are you still here?"

3. The guy from HR keeps asking when can he show your cubicle.

2. Your coworkers keep dropping by and you catch them applying their name to your stapler.

1. They ask you to write a description of your job and send it to them in the form of a job classified ad.

[JollyRoger]

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: A brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph!

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly...

Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on Earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."

[ZWarrior]

:lol :lol

[opiesilver]

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.  The  Officer  said,  "Mujibar,  you  have passed all the tests, except there is  one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter the United  States of America."  Mujibar said, "I am ready."  The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words 'Yellow, Pink and Green'."

Mujibar  thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."  The Officer  said, "Go ahead."  Mujibar said,  "The  telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar  now  lives  in  a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon help desk.  I talked to him yesterday.

[opiesilver]

Most remember from their school days of having to read and then submit a book report on what they had read... I wonder what kind of reception this would have received during your time in school?

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read.
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read.

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bull*&#$ artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

[Mr_Anderson]

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?''

''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''

[ZWarrior]

A proud mother telephoned a Sunday newspaper to announce she had given birth to eight children. The line was bad, and the operator didn't hear the message.

"Would you repeat that?" the operator asked.

"Not if I can help it!" came the reply.

[ZWarrior]

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.

"I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist, "But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients."

[Boomslang]

The Cracked Pot -

 An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

 One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

  At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

  For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

  After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

  The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."

  "For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

  Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.  You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

  So, to all of my crack pot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

  Send this to any or all of your cracked Pot friends with in 5 minutes and see what happens! Don't forget the cracked pot that sent it to you!


 God Bless You All

[ZWarrior]

A boy, entirely frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, approached his father and asked, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"

His father answered immediately, "I just don't know, son. No man has ever lived that long yet."

[ZWarrior]

"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.

"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. The smells were horrendous.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Dad..." he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," Dad said. "And please clean up this room!"

[ZWarrior]

Here are some VERY good reasons to buy a new car...

A car exactly like yours is featured in a display in your local museum.

Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

That plaque that says it was the first car ever driven by land speed record breaker Barney Goldfield.

You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.

As you drive by people keep yelling, "Get a horse."

Your tires are so thin you can see the air inside them.

Your emergency brake consists of putting your leg through a hole in the floorboard and dragging your foot on the pavement.

Whenever you hit a pothole or speed bump the engine falls out.

The total on your last repair bill equaled the GDP of a certain small Asian nation.

The 15-Minute Jiffy Lube takes 3 days.

Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club."

When you gas up, the attendant asks "Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?"

Replacement running boards just aren't made like they used to be made.

Your "Super-Heterodyne radio" keeps drifting off signal.

As you're leaving the parking lot after the County Fair demolition derby a salvage dealer offers you "50 bucks for the carcass."

Two words: Ford Edsel

It might have something to do with that second "Totaled" stamp your insurance adjuster put on the title after your last fender bender.

Your 84 year old Mom drives a car that's sportier than yours.

While waiting at a stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.

For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway.

You keep losing dates on left turns.

The novelty of that hand crank starter is wearing off.

The Duct tape you used to replace that right front fender is flagging again.

It hasn't been the same since "The" Henry Ford borrowed it.

Your gas gauge measures in cubits.

[ZWarrior]

As John and his five year old son were headed to McDonald's one day, they passed a car accident. Usually when they saw something terrible like that, they would say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so John pointed and said to his son, "We should pray."

From the back seat John heard his son's earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

[ZWarrior]

An old pastor made it a weekly practice to visit his church school classes one day every week. One week he walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states. He asked them how many states they could name.

The students were able to recall 40 names. The pastor jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One 4th grader did not find him humorous. "Yes," he said, "but in those days there were only 13."

[ZWarrior]

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.

"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game."

"When is that?" asked the rookie.

"Right after the National Anthem."

[Spade]

What do you get when you mix Diet coke and mentos?

http://www.eepybird.com/index.html

and the proof is here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRBkQe_lwak

ENJOY!!!!!!

[ZWarrior]

that second one cracked me up SOOOOO bad!

[Edited on 6-15-2006 by ZWarrior]

[ZWarrior]

A minister was called away unexpectedly on Saturday by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the Pastor asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon.

"It was the poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed."

Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?"

"All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermon's from last year."