Tickle Our Funny Bones

[ZWarrior]

Jill received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.

"Is this some kind of mistake?" Jill asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.

"Well," said Jill, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."

"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."

[ZWarrior]

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised.

He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

[ZWarrior]

"I've noticed that when you are a parent you can kiss your privacy good-bye.  I fully understand now why my father used to lock the bathroom door.  He wasn't embarrassed about anything -- it was the only time he ever got to be alone.
 I remember one morning I was taking a shower.  I had the bathroom door shut, but somehow I had forgotten to lock it.  All of a sudden, the shower curtain was ripped back and there stood my daughter with her friend!
 Next thing I knew, the girls were marching back out the door and my daughter huffed, "See? I told you."
  I never found out what that was all about, but I'll tell you something I did learn that day: there is absolutely no way for a wet, naked man to climb a tile wall.  It just cannot be done"

-- Bill Engvall

[JollyRoger]

I love it the third Time I've seen it and it is still funny!

[Mr_Anderson]

Wow

[ZWarrior]

Originally posted by Mr_Anderson
Wow

He's alive!!!

Today's funny:

A man dies and goes to heaven.

Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St.Peter.  "That's certainly worth a point."

"One point!?!! I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"Two points!?!!  "Exasperated, the man cries. "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."

"Bingo, 100 points!  Come on in!"

We often try to fix problems with WD-40 and duct tape.

God did it with a nail.

[Mr_Anderson]

This has actually happened:

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

[Boomslang]

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/37744/wet_look_water_bed/

[Boomslang]

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/34201/road_rage/

[ZWarrior]

The staff at the hospital where Carl was working decided to dress up for Halloween. He wore his standard X-ray tech's uniform of a dress shirt, tie and lab coat, but made the rest of himself up as a werewolf with a shaggy wig, makeup, long nails and lots of hair on his face and hands.

While he was preparing an examining room for a patient, Carl realized why technologists always take the time to explain X-ray safety. There, he overheard a young boy who had seen him in the corridor ask his mother, "Mommy did that man have too much radiation?"

[Mr_Anderson]

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!'

[ZWarrior]

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.

"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I act like I'm listening."

[Mr_Anderson]

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

[Reaper]

I make no word jokes, but here is something you might like
:touched;
Kitty Cat Dance

[ZWarrior]

Pastor Smith was giving a sermon about charity. He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate."

He said to Harrigan, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?"

He said, "I would that, Pastor."

The pastor said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbour next door?"

Harrigan said, "No."

The pastor said, "And why not?"

He said, "I have two greyhounds."

[ZWarrior]

When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches.

As one little boy, named Mr. Anderson, filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a home cooked meal!"

[ZWarrior]

A man applies for a job as mechanic. The boss says, "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?"

The mechanic nods, confused.

"Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man's screwdriver?"

"Oh yes," says the mechanic.

"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?"

"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wannabe mechanic.

"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing that already!" says the boss.

[ZWarrior]

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer, only his was a fairly revised version.

"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

[ZWarrior]

As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Zoo, Sally occasionally receives thank you notes from members of school groups.

One of her favorites said: "Dear Sally, I am a third grader. I loved all the animals in the zoo. You were the best of all."

[Mr_Anderson]

Things Found Only In America   

    1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[ZWarrior]

The church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money to pay their expenses for a special trip. They made a large sign, CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP, and on the given Saturday business was very good. But by two o'clock the skies clouded and the rain poured and there were hardly any customers.

Finally, one of the girl washers had an idea. She printed a very large poster which said, WE WASH (then an arrow pointing skyward) GOD RINSES. Business boomed!

[Mr_Anderson]

There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers and they were working on top of a building. It was lunch time and the Irsh man opens his lunch pail and he gets cabbage and beef and he says, "If I get one more beef and cabage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building."

Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says if I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building. The blond man opens his lunch pale and gets a bologna sandwhich he siad if I get one more bologna sandwhich I'm goona jump off of this building.

The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the blond guy opens his lunch pale and finds a bologna sandwhich, so he jumps off to his death as well.

The next day at their funeral the Irish man's wife said, ''Bagorrah, only if I would have known that he didn't like cabage and beef I would have packed him something else." Then the Mexican's wife then said, ''If I only knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else. ''Finally, the blonde man's wife siad '' I don't know what his problem was; he packed his own lunch.''

[JollyRoger]

Moans....

[Mr_Anderson]

Boy thats funny Jolly!!

[JollyRoger]

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college.
Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a
very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the
redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the
lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional
chat with a professor. She felt that her father had for years
harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought
should   be his.   One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.  He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0
GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain,
insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load
and was constantly  studying, which left her no time to go
out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even
have time for   a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.   Her father listened and then asked,  "How is you friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by.  All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA.  She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's   always   invited to
all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because  she's too hung over."

 

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the
Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give
it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both
have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal
distribution of GPA."   The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades!   I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has   done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my  tail off!" The father  slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."