Tickle Our Funny Bones

[ZWarrior]

The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger and bigger the closer they get.

Then it hit me.


* WOOT!!! Joke #500!!!!! *  :flak:

[ZWarrior]

A police car pulled up in front of grandma's house, and grandpa got out. The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Grandpa," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How come you got lost today?"

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa whispered back, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

[ZWarrior]

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"

[Mr_Anderson]

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.
Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a
child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would
stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't
warned."

[ZWarrior]

John was on his way to the hospital with his 16-year-old daughter who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about how the procedure would be performed.

"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"

Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."

[Mr_Anderson]

Three students, a student from Tennessee, a student from Alabama, and a student from Auburn are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Tennessee student says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Tennessee."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, "FOOM," the land in Tennessee was forever made fertile for farming.

The Auburn student was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around the University of Auburn, so that nobody from out of state can come into our precious school."

Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,"POOF," there was a huge wall around Auburn.

The Alabama student says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it is about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the University of Auburn. Nothing can get in or out."

The Alabama student says, "Fill it with water."

[ZWarrior]

When women enter middle age, it gives men a pause.
To handle an incorrigible punster, just don't incorrige him.
She thought it was a real horse, but it was a phony.
A logger went to his doctor because of a problem with the lumbar.
The invention of a shirt fastener after the button was a snap.
Criminals who fall into the mud have to come clean sooner or later.
He was trying to sell me new windows, but his motivations were transparent.
Could modern submarines be the wave of the future?
The Spaniard's wife was always up before the Don.
The nervous drycleaner was a chemical agent who always folded under pressure.
Top researchers are expected to perform, so they're often under the microscope.

[ZWarrior]

A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.

Her chosen business name became "Nun of Your Business."

[Mr_Anderson]

A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.

"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks. They're all wet."

"What do you mean `all wet?'"

"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."

[ZWarrior]

"If you want your program to be readable, consider supplying the argument."
 -- Larry Wall in the PERL man page

[ZWarrior]

While trying to explain to his six-year-old daughter how much technology had changed, Les pointed to his brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.

Wide-eyed, his daughter asked, "How big was the mouse?"

[Mr_Anderson]

Here is a list of redneck computer terms

Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.

Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.

Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache - Needed when you go to da store.

Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.

Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.

Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette - A female Disco dancer.

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.

Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom - Where the pope lives.

Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.

[ZWarrior]

I used to work for a large company, and they often did special things for us to make work a little more enjoyable. Below is a series of memos once sent out from the company.

Casual Day Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m., Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

[Mr_Anderson]

A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day. He decided to skip church and go play golf. So he called the junior pastor at his church and told him he was sick and couldn't give the sermon. The junior pastor told him not to worry, he would deliver the sermon.

The pastor drove about 40 miles away from town to avoid being spotted. As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, Jesus leaned over to God in heaven and asked him, "Are You going to let him get away with this?" God told Jesus not to worry, he would handle it. Right as God said that, the preacher hit the drive of his life. The ball traveled all 450 feet to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole. The preacher was ecstatic. Jesus asked God,"Why would you let him do that?"
God said, "Because, who is he gonna tell?"

[opiesilver]

Reasons not to drink too much.

[ZWarrior]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and billions of dollars developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.

The Russians used a pencil.

[ZWarrior]

Please carefully read the following text:

This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is fool cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat

Now read the third word in each line, beginning again from the start.

[Mr_Anderson]

People Who Should've Won This Years Nobel Prize   

 1. Britney Spears & Eminem who, combined, have written more books than they''ve read.

2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

3. America''s Oil Companies for a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don''t mix.

4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon for those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.

5. Bill Gates for creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

6. The Editors of Maxim for managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.

7. Jared of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

8. Jennifer Lopez who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass.

9. That 300 Pound Guy who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.

10. Glaxo who has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces.

[ZWarrior]

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30% of the people in the world.

[Mr_Anderson]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three
kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an
aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage
of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in
the loop. Our system will automatically E-mail you all the forms and advise
you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a Computer nor
an E-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that
to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without
an E-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high tech firm.
Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his
wallet, he walks past a farmer's market and sees ! a stand selling 25 lb.
crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy
corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the
tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost
$100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his
family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next
day.

By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into
the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of
tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a
broken down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their
neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying
the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community
college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and
employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He
continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks
and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the
boys manage.

The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless
people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million
dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting
with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new
circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his E-mail address in order to
send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and
has no E-mail address, the insurance man ! is stunned, "What, you don't
have E-mail? No computer! No Internet! Just think where you would be today
if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

" Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had E-mail/Internet five years ago I would be
sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.   5 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail or internet, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

[ZWarrior]

Tech Support: "What version of Windows do you have installed?"
Customer: "... Double glazed."

[Mr_Anderson]

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.

''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

[ZWarrior]

Have you ever felt this way?

"I live in my own little world, but it's ok...
They know me here."

[Mr_Anderson]

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

    The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians.  When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

    The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants.  When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

    The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians.  When you open them up everything is color coded.

    The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

    The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief.  One of them asked why.

    The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their butt and head are interchangeable".