Tickle Our Funny Bones

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

A senior  citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible.
He took off down the  road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind
blowing through what little  hair he had left on his head. "This is
great," he thought as he roared down  I-75. He pushed the pedal to the
metal even more. Then he looked in his rear  view mirror and saw a
highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing  and siren
blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he
tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he
accelerated  to 110-120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too
old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the  trooper to
catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and
walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift
ends in 30  minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason
why you were speeding  that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper  and said, "Years ago my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought  you were bringing her
back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the  Trooper.

[Mr_Anderson]

:lol Thats a good one!

[ZWarrior]

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"

The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

[Mr_Anderson]

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.
The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."
The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."
The old woman responded, "Great, he's peeing in the fridge again!"

[ZWarrior]

An important officer in the Navy was inspecting a recently launched carrier. The entire 4,000 plus crew stood at attention. "I suppose," said the officer jokingly to the carrier's captain, "you know the name of every man on the ship."

"I think I do," was the captain's unexpected reply.

"A'ha," smiled the officer. "What's the name of that man?" he asked, pointing to a sailor standing two rows away.

"That's William Jones," replied the captain.

The officer walked over and addressed the seaman himself.

"And what's your name, sailor?" he asked.

"William Jones, sir," replied Seaman Abernathy.

[Mr_Anderson]

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

[ZWarrior]

So Snauz was driving the bus?

[Mr_Anderson]

Sad to say,

Yes....

:cry::cry:

[ZWarrior]

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Been there, done that."

[Mr_Anderson]

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"

"A mongoose."

"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

[ZWarrior]

:rolling:lol:rolling


The power mower was broken and wouldn't run, and the wife kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again, he handed her a toothbrush and said "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.

[Mr_Anderson]

8/8/8/8/

[Mr_Anderson]

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.

The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"

The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!'"

The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[ZWarrior]

A troop of Boy Scouts were being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems.

A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons, who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.

One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.

When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but this brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home."

[Mr_Anderson]

Two men playing golf and a funeral procession goes by. The first man stops playing and removes his hat as it goes by.
"That was a kind show of respect" said the second.
"Well we had been married ten years you know"

[ZWarrior]

A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.

"Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."

"Oh my," the grandmother replied. "He and I must have the same landlord."

[Mr_Anderson]

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!

[ZWarrior]

Here's a list of alternative meanings to common computer industry abbreviations for you to enjoy.

PCMCIA -- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN -- It Still Does Nothing

APPLE -- Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI -- System Can't See It

DOS -- Defunct Operating System

BASIC -- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM -- I Blame Microsoft

DEC -- Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM -- Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 -- Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW -- World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH -- Many Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

[Mr_Anderson]

Ya know....

That sounds like my computer which has been put back on the broken list.

[ZWarrior]

Sooo...
How did you post?

*******************

Julie has the courage, but not always the skill, to tackle any home-repair project.

For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So her brother wasn't surprised when, along with his other sister, Dianne, found Julie attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.

"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw Them.

"Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?" Dianne suggested.

[Mr_Anderson]

I was using my dad's computer.

Also I found the true problem which is being taken care of right now.

(The processor was missing a pin and now I'm borrowing my brothers processor!)

 :cry: :cry:

***********************************

 How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
1,392:

    * 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.
    * 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently,
    * 4 to complain that they were happy with the old one,
    * 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs,
    * 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs,
    * 53 to flame the spell checkers,
    * 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list,
    * 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames,
    * 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb,
    * 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped,
    * 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list,
    * 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty,
    * 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs,
    * 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs,
    * 12 to flame the AOL users for violating netiqutte and blame them for starting this whole thing,
    * 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that "are relevant to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list,"
    * 45 posts about weather or not AOL should even be allowed to exist,
    * 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too,"
    * 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy,
    * 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three,"

    * 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ,
    * 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup,
    * 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here,
    * 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

[Edited on 5-6-2005 by Mr_Anderson]

[ZWarrior]

The butcher was busy working and minding his own business when he noticed a dog in his shop. Acting instinctively, he shooed him away. Later, he noticed the dog was back again.

Walking over to the dog to shoo him away again, he noticed the dog had a note in its mouth. Taking the note, the butcher read, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please?"

Looking inside the dog's mouth again, the butcher found a ten dollar bill. So, the butcher took the money, put the sausages and lamb in a bag, and hanged it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher was very impressed with this dog's skill, and since it was near closing time, he decided to close up shop and follow the dog.

The dog began by walking down the street. When it reached a crossing, it put down the bag and then jumped up and pressed the crossing button. Then it waited patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. When it did, the dog walked across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then came to a bus stop, and started looking at the timetable. The butcher watched in awe. The dog checked out the times, and then sat on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Soon the bus came along. The dog got up and looked at the number, noticed it was the right bus, and climbed on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, followed him onto the bus.

The bus traveled through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog got up and moved to the front of the bus. By standing on his hind legs, it pushed the button to stop the bus. The dog got off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walked up the path, and dropped the groceries on the step. It then walked back down the path, took a big run, and threw itself against the door. -Whap!- For a second time, it went back down the path, took another run, and threw itself against the door. -Whap!-

There was no answer at the door, so the dog jogged back down the path, jumped up on a narrow wall, and walked along the perimeter of the garden. When it got close to a window, it began banging its head against it several times. Then it walked back, jumped off the wall, and waited at the door.

The butcher watched as a big guy opened the door, apparently the dog's owner. The big guy started to lay into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher ran up and stopped the big guy.

"What on earth are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV!"

The big guy responded, "Clever, my foot. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[Mr_Anderson]

What do you get when a Jolly crosses the street?

Bullet bait!

[ZWarrior]

Heather's son Joel, age 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell her that he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.

Dutifully she fished it out and threw it in the trash.

Joel stood and watched this for a moment, thinking heavily. Then he suddenly ran to into Heather's bathroom and came out with her toothbrush.

Holding it up to her, he said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in a few days ago."

[Mr_Anderson]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error.." (Sure Sounds Like Me ! ! ) I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?" The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T