Author Topic: Tickle Our Funny Bones (Read 176036 times)

JollyRoger · « **Reply #300 on:** February 03, 2005, 05:12:05 PM »

I love children so much, they have so much to offer and are so curious. but the thing that gets me the most is how much they really pay attention in church.

ZWarrior · « **Reply #301 on:** February 04, 2005, 09:03:38 AM »

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him... "a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. "

JollyRoger · « **Reply #302 on:** February 04, 2005, 10:52:15 AM »

OLD OLD OLDOLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD

and you've posted it befor

ZWarrior · « **Reply #303 on:** February 04, 2005, 01:39:47 PM »

Ole and Lena are vacationing at this posh resort in Duluth. Ole goes into the sauna where two foreign businessmen were sitting naked. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. Ole looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."

Ole felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

Ole finally said, "Vell by gully, vill you look at dat... I'm getting a fax!"

Boomslang · « **Reply #304 on:** February 04, 2005, 03:39:28 PM »

http://www.sunbelt-software.com/stu/screenlick.swf

You can now clean the inside of your monitor using the internet

ZWarrior · « **Reply #305 on:** February 05, 2005, 12:08:05 AM »

Maybe I should put some Peanut Butter in there!!

ZWarrior · « **Reply #306 on:** February 07, 2005, 02:50:00 PM »

The police found and arrested two young people the other day. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one ... and let the other one off.

JollyRoger · « **Reply #307 on:** February 07, 2005, 11:56:16 PM »

:mg-rt: ZW :mg-lft:

ZWarrior · « **Reply #308 on:** February 08, 2005, 11:13:19 AM »

Some tourists were walking through the White House. One had two children, a five year old boy named Jimmy, and a three month old girl named Linda.

The mother got tired of pushing the stroller so she said, "Jimmy, cart her around."

The janitor who overheard this said "No, but George Bush is."

ZWarrior · « **Reply #309 on:** February 16, 2005, 12:08:05 PM »

The games at the Coliseum were scheduled to begin at three o'clock sharp, and Caesar decided to attend. He called Brutus, and instructed him to have the chariot standing by.

"What time do you want to leave?", inquired Brutus.

The Emperor, knowing that the ride from the palace to the Coliseum would take exactly an hour, and not wishing to be late, replied, "At two, Brute!"

ZWarrior · « **Reply #310 on:** February 17, 2005, 08:48:01 AM »

Have you heard about the guys who drove their pickup truck into a lumberyard?

One of them walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" the clerk said.

"Let me go check," replied the man, and he went back to the truck.

"Yeah, I meant two-by-fours," he said, returning a few moments later.

"Alright. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute to think and then finally said, "I'd better go check."

After awhile he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're building a house."

* Why does this sound so much like Snauz and Jolly? *

JollyRoger · « **Reply #311 on:** February 17, 2005, 11:59:44 AM »

except that we do it in fun just to be mean to the cleark, well I would, Snauz on the other hand might be that slow...

ZWarrior · « **Reply #312 on:** February 22, 2005, 09:52:31 AM »

Irving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful'?" Sarah asked.

"I guess the drugs must be wearing off," he replied.

ZWarrior · « **Reply #313 on:** February 24, 2005, 08:46:29 AM »

Mr. Smith, Mr. Jones, and Mr. Brown are patiently waiting outside the delivery room in the hospital for the good news of the birth of their first child. A chaplain is also waiting nearby, when a nurse comes out and calls for Mr. Smith.

"Mr. Smith... congratulations, you have twins!"

The delighted Mr. Smith replies, "That's great! Hey, what a coincidence: I work for the Minnesota Twins."

Soon another nurse comes out with an announcement for Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones... congratulations on the birth of your first three children: you have triplets!"

The delighted Mr. Jones replies, "Wow, that's kind of amazing! The last guy worked for the Twins and had twins. I had triplets, and I work for Triple A."

Just then Mr. Brown turns ghostly white and makes a running leap for the door. Worried, the chaplain stops him first.

"Son... why are you leaving like this while your wife is in having your child?"

"Because! The first man works for the Twins and had twins, and the second man works for Triple A and had triplets," Mr. Brown replies. "I work for 7-Eleven!"

ZWarrior · « **Reply #314 on:** March 01, 2005, 05:35:23 PM »

Have you ever wondered why dogs can't use computers? I did, but no longer! This is the list that dispelled the wonder...

#8. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

#7. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.

#6. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

#5. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

#4. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.

#3. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail".

#2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.

#1. He can't stick his head out of Windows.

ZWarrior · « **Reply #315 on:** March 03, 2005, 10:30:57 AM »

I was at the drug store to pick up my prescription. The line wasn't clearly formed, and there was an elderly man with a cane nearby me. It was unclear who was next.

When we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said, "After you."

I smiled at him and said, "No, please, after you. I have all day."

Then he said, "No. You go ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months."

ZWarrior · « **Reply #316 on:** March 04, 2005, 09:36:22 AM »

A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Jeffrey," she said, "You shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, it doesn't matter," the teacher replied. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, so!" Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won't start."

ZWarrior · « **Reply #317 on:** March 07, 2005, 10:33:42 AM »

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband, when suddenly he burst into the kitchen.

"Careful... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh Good Grief! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh Good Grief! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him, before finally speaking.

"What on earth is wrong with you? Do you think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?

Calmly, the husband replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

ZWarrior · « **Reply #318 on:** March 08, 2005, 10:05:07 AM »

A country lady, who has been taken to her first show at an art gallery in the big city, is staring curiously at several of the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

The country lady, filled with curiosity over the unusual works of art, walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings. Could you tell me about them?"

"I paint what I feel inside me," shrugs the artist.

"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"

ZWarrior · « **Reply #319 on:** March 14, 2005, 01:48:37 PM »

In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he had the chance.

His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.

One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.

"Will you be bringing him in yourself," asked the receptionist, "or will he be coming on his own?"

JollyRoger · « **Reply #320 on:** March 14, 2005, 10:46:34 PM »

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."

ZWarrior · « **Reply #321 on:** March 16, 2005, 10:22:11 AM »

During a time when Wolvy's son was about 18 months old, he was rushing to catch the bus. His son was strapped in a backpack on his back. Apparently he had a misstep and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact).

He was bruised, bleeding and had torn his jeans, but of course his main concern was, naturally, for his child.

His fears were alleviated when from behind him he heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"

Boomslang · « **Reply #322 on:** March 16, 2005, 09:25:30 PM »

C & P
In my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word
"service."

"The act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
Selective Service
City/County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I
thought "service" meant.

Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them
mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of
his cows.

SHAZAM! It suddenly all came into clear perspective.
Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to
us.

ZWarrior · « **Reply #323 on:** March 17, 2005, 11:16:43 AM »

ewwwww. Is that what that is!?!

ZWarrior · « **Reply #324 on:** March 17, 2005, 11:18:54 AM »

The new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday school. The teacher introduced him and said, "Pastor, this morning we're studying Joshua."

"That's wonderful," said the new pastor. "Let's see what you're learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?"

Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, "Pastor, I didn't do it."

Taken aback, the pastor asked, "Come on, now, who tore down the walls of Jericho?"

The teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Billy's a good boy. If he says he didn't do it, I believe he didn't do it."

Flustered, the pastor went to the Sunday school director and related the story to him.

The director, looking worried, explained, "Well, sir, we've had some problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him and see what we can do."

Really bothered now by the answers of the teacher and the director, the new pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story, including the responses of the teacher and the director.

A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said, "Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that."

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Author Topic: Tickle Our Funny Bones (Read 176036 times)