Tickle Our Funny Bones

[ZWarrior]

JotD 12-3-04

Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.  Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.  The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with ..

A Misdewiener!

[JollyRoger]

Three men have just died and are now standing at the gates to heaven. St Peter walks up to them and say " Ok, considering the season I will let you in if you co produce something that is significant to the season."
So the first guy starts patting himself down and digging through his pocket. Finally he pulls out a lighter and lights it he remarks "candles"
St Peter says "Alright." and lets him pass.
The next man reaches right into his coat pocket and grabs a set of keys and starts to jingle them "Bells"
St Peter says "fine" and lets him pass as well.
Now the third guy is frantic he hasn't been able to find anything on him and so he pulls out a pair of pantyhose and dangle them in front of St Peter.
St Peter looks at him and cocks his head to one side and raises and eyebrow.
The man looks at him with a grin and say
"There Carols?"

[ZWarrior]

[JollyRoger]

[snauzberries]

i was to lazy to post that one

[ZWarrior]

Perhaps one of the most common jobs for young people as they work their way through college or try to pick up some extra money while still in high school is to work at local supermarkets. Most start out as baggers at the check-out counters, but occasionally promotions and opportunities come along and the chance for a little more money becomes important.

One young man had worked bagging groceries for a year but never got a promotion. He was fascinated by the work in the produce section of the market. He was particularly taken with the way the store took fresh oranges and made fresh orange juice for customers. He could watch the process for hours, and when the supermarket installed a new machine that squeezed juice at five times the previous rate, he could barely hold back his enthusiasm.

Intrigued by this new, high-tech device, the young man asked if he could leave his job at the check-out counter putting groceries into bags and be allowed to work the new machine.

His request was denied.

"Why?" the boy asked. "I'd really like this promotion."

The store manager replied, "Sorry son, but baggers can't be juicers."

[ZWarrior]

My brother and I were lucky to land summer jobs as custodians at a
writers' colony. It was extremely rustic with tiny cabins, outdoor
facilities and wood burning stoves. One of our many duties was to make
sure that each writer's kerosene lamp was in working order.

My brother developed an uncanny ability to tell whether or not a writer needed a new wick just by standing around outside the cabins and observing the writers as they emerged on their way to breakfast.

When I asked him how he could tell, he replied, "Well, when a writer comes out I take a good look at his eyes. If they're bloodshot, it means that he's been up all night writing by the light of his lamp and is probably quite tired, so I give him a new wick."

"I suppose that would mean..." I ventured.

”That’s right,” he confirmed, “There’s no wick for the rested.”

[ZWarrior]

The annual canine obedience competition was only a week away when suddenly the dog trainer's union went on strike.

Non-union workers were hired to finish up training the dogs for the show. Training was going well as the replacement workers taught the dogs about fetching, rolling over & sitting.

Worried that they may lose their jobs entirely, the striking union members began to march with protest signs outside the training arena. This all began just about the time the dogs were supposed to be learning to follow the command to "heel."

Hearing the striker's chants and recognizing their real trainer's
voices, the confused dogs would no longer follow the substitute trainers through their paces.

This came as no surprise to anyone because we've always known, "A scab will never heel if you picket."

[ZWarrior]

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
 
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.

Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them... Santa would need 360,000 of them.

This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist...


He's dead now.

[Morpheus]

:cry:

[JollyRoger]

Nice!

[ZWarrior]

There was a scientist working at the seaquarium, who was trying to discover the secret of immortality.

He thought he had discovered this through working with porpoises. He thought that by feeding porpoises very young sea gulls, he would extend their live indefinitely. He had been carrying on his experiments for a couple of weeks until one day, as he was going to feed his porpoises with two buckets of very young sea gulls, he discovered a lion in his path.

Naturally the scientist was frightened. But after looking at the lion again, he sees that he is old and toothless, virtuously harmless.

Thinking no more of it, the scientist steps over the lion and starts to go his way when some policemen step out of the bushes and arrest him.

He was charged with "Transporting Underage Gulls Across a Staid Lion For Immortal Porpoises."

[ZWarrior]

This is the story of a fellow that spent the early part of his life working in a photo-development studio. It was a small studio, but he worked hard and developed a large clientele of people who took their film to him to be developed.

His control of the chemistry and technology of photography was excellent. In fact, he was given the nickname "Prints" by his grateful customers.

He would have continued until retirement as a photo technician, but as so often happens as we grow older, he became victim to certain digestive indiscretions. His increasing inability to digest many common dietary constituents led to that particularly odious problem, flatulence.

Now, this is a problem that is well-known to most of us as we get older, but Prints found that the volume of gas he produced was excessive, even gigantic. The propensity to generate unacceptable volumes of gas became progressively worse for our protagonist. In fact, it started to have negative consequences in his work and he was driven to see a physician.

Sometimes, however, there is a silver lining hidden within the blanket of adversity, and this was the case in this story. Prints discovered a new talent, one that he would not have known about, except for his affliction. He discovered that he could control the sounds that were made during gas release.

After much practice, he could generate musical notes and other sound effects. The overture to a John Phillip Sousa march, speeches by the Speaker of the House, the crack of nearby lightning, the long-rolling rumble of distant thunder, the roar of a 727 in full throttle, the mewing of a den of hungry kittens -- all of these and more became part of his repertoire.

The audience for such performance art is small, but very enthusiastic. He was forced to give up his photography, and take to the stage in his new showbiz career.

It is likely you may have even recognized the person this story is about...

the fartist formerly known as Prints.

[ZWarrior]

James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus. Naturally he titled it The Deer Sleigher.

He could have also called it The Abdominal Snowman.

On the inside cover appears a photograph of Santa taken with his North Polaroid camera.

In the pages of this expose, you'll find out that Santa's primary language is North Polish.

You'll learn that Santa and Mrs. Claus live in an icicle built for two and that he loves tending his three gardens and exulting, "Hoe, hoe, hoe!"

You'll also discover that St. Nicholas is the main Claus. His wife is a relative Claus. His children are dependent Clauses. Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Claus. As a group, they're all renoun Clauses.

Santa's elves are subordinate Clauses. As they make toys, they sing "Love Me Tender." That's why they're known as Santa's little Elvis.

They feel that all their strenuous efforts getting ready for Christmas are just like a day at the office. They do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. And anytime he wishes, Santa can give them the sack.

A group of rebellious elves --along with their elf uncles and elf aunts -- have banded together to protest the terrible conditions they've been working under. They are known as the Santanistas -- and they're striving for higher elf esteem.

On Christmas Eve, Santa eats a jolly roll, leaps into his sleigh, and urges his toys to hop in the sack.

Santa's sleigh always comes out first because it starts in the Pole position. It also gets terrific mileage because it has long-distance runners on each side.

Kriss Kringle especially loves all his reindeer because every buck is deer to him.

On the way to delivering gifts, he lets his coursers stop at the Deery Queen. For this they offer him their Santapplause and sing "There's Snow Place Like Home for the Holidays" and "Freezer Jolly Good Fellow!"

On one night before Christmas, Santa Claus's sleigh team came up one member short because of a sudden illness. An inflatable plastic reindeer was used to fill the void in the team so no one would take notice of the missing animal. Regis, Chief of Elves, asked Santa, "Is that your vinyl Prancer?"

When traveling in the sleigh in inclement weather, Santa gets icicles in his beard. Real chin chillas, those.

Occasionally, cosmetics fly out of the bag and into Santa's beard, causing it to known as the beard of Avon.

He sometimes removes all the bells from his sleigh and travels silently through the night. One day he hopes to win a No Bell prize.

Santa is so Santa-mental that he sometimes spends all his money on the toys that he brings to children everywhere. At those times, he's called St. Nickeless.

Children all over the world await Santa's gifts, even the children of ghosts, who sing to Santa, "We'll Have a Boo Christmas Without You." After all, toys will be toys.

Santa often guides his sleigh to Cape Canaveral. We know this because A SANTA AT NASA is a palindrome -- a statement that reads the same forwards and backwards.

What's red and white and black all over? Santa Claus entering a home through a chimney. He loves sliding down chimneys because it soots him.

But he actually has a fear of getting stuck. That fear is called Santa Claus-trophobia.

The way to get him out of the chimney is to pour Santa Flush on him.

Occasionally Santa falls down a chimney. Then he's Santa Klutz.

Since Santa has to go up and down a wide variety of chimneys on Christmas, should he have a yearly flue shot?

Then on December 26, Santa is a beat Nick.

[snauzberries]

*sigh*

[ZWarrior]

[ZWarrior]

A pastor has done some methodical research and discovered the name of another one of Santa's reindeer - Gerald Lee. Gerald was bigger than the rest of the reindeer, and not too gifted in the intelligence area.

However, his nose glowed somewhat, and Santa used him to comply with FAA regulations - although the light would never be enough to be used for guidance on a foggy night.

So because Gerald got to be the leader, and given his size and personality, he was a bully amongst the other reindeer. Not only did he lord it over them, but he was the first to start making fun of Rudolph and any other reindeer who could be easily intimidated.

To top it off, Gerald was extremely flatulent and took great pride in displaying his talent particularly while leading the pack on Christmas eve.

So it was no surprise that all of the other reindeer secretly disliked Gerald, but had to respect Santa's decisions to let Gerald be in front.

Being a proud bully and all, there was one thing Gerald didn't like - and that was his first name. Instead, he insisted that he be called by a hybrid name composed of his first initial and his last name.

Which explains why, when Santa finally chose Rudolph to lead the sleigh, all of the other reindeer shouted...

"Out with Glee."

(The others: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph, Olive ("Olive the other reindeer"), and Al ("Then Al the reindeer loved him")

[snauzberries]

:X

[snauzberries]

i found this and laughed at it


Asaywa???

[Edited on 12/22/2004 by [303]snauzberries]

[ZWarrior]

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and its the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang.....

"Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year."

[n1c]

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or his elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!" :hubba:

[ZWarrior]

I heard that somewhere recently.  I still love it though.

[JollyRoger]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship.                               I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," said the bartender,
"What about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird poop!"
"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

[n1c]

OUCH!!!!:hide::cry:

[ZWarrior]

A visiting minister spoke eloquently during the offertory prayer.

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter ( who was listening carefully for a change! ) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"