Tickle Our Funny Bones

[ZWarrior]

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams.

To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his coworkers to share the ride.

He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels.

He consulted the company doctor.

"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment.

"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"

"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts."

"Tell me! What is it?"

"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

[opiesilver]

:x:x:x:x:x

[JollyRoger]

Do we have a humpday Joke.

[ZWarrior]

Here, this should hold you over...


Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

[JollyRoger]

:;(: Awh, Common you can come up with a more worse then that.

[ZWarrior]

A famous viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official.

The official apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

[opiesilver]

Could it really get any worse?  No more PLEEEEEEEEASSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEE.

[ZWarrior]

and the third for the day....


There was a Russian man named Rudolph, a high ranking member of the KGB. One evening Rudolph and his wife were walking along and it began to snow.

"My, my, look at the lovely snow," said his wife.

"No, that is not snow, that is rain!" replied Rudolph.

"No, no, no, this is snow," she said.

"Look, there is a palace guard, we will ask him."

Rudolph went to the palace guard and said, "is it raining or snowing?"

The guard was no dummy, so he said "what do YOU think it is doing, Rudolph?"

Rudolph replied, "raining."

The guard said "yes comrade, I was going to say raining, also!"

So Rudolph and his wife went walking off. The guard could just barely hear the KGB official say: "Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear."

[Morpheus]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse  vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of
to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally,John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot  squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I
believe I may have offended you with  my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

                HAPPY  THANKSGIVING!

[ZWarrior]

And here is today's official POTD:

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good.

So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.

The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first -- sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.

Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal.

They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies. They listened as the alligator sang, … "Drained wops keep fallin' on my head."

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very
rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the
gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined
the problem. The gorilla was in heat.

To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla
available. Reflecting on their problem, the park
administrator thought of FreddieStanden,
a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's
cages.

Freddie, like most rednecks, had little sense,
but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The park administrator thought they might have a solution.

Freddie was approached with a proposition:
Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for$500.00?

Freddie showed some interest, but said he would
have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Freddie announced that he would
accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."

The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," Freddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Freddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern
Baptist."

Once again the administrator agreed.

And last of all Freddie stated
"You've got to give me another week to come up
with the $500."

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blond in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blond that she paid for economy and that he will have to sit in the back.
The blond replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here.The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the pilot and the copilot that there is a blond bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and she won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blond and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blond replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here. The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting to arrest this blond woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she is a blond? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blond. I speak blond." He goes back to the blond and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked what he said that made her move without any fuss. "I told her first class isn't going to Detroit!"

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.00. So they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."   On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a cheque for $250.00 and enclosed a note: Dear Madam: Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1. It had never been occupied. 2. There was plenty of heat. 3. It was small enough to make me cosy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.  Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply..... Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord. I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire someone to remove your furniture.

[ZWarrior]

My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.

He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep.

Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.

My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was and his bell did not ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise

[JollyRoger]

Nice! I actually got a chuckle from that one.

[Morpheus]

A man walks into a doctors office with a banana sticking out of one ear, a cucumber sticking out the other ear, and a carrot sticking out of his nose.  When the doctor walked into the room and saw him he immediately knew what was wrong and said..."I can see your not eating right."

[ZWarrior]

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied. "She sells C cells by the seashore!"

[JollyRoger]

*Jolly Walks away only shaking his head.*

[ZWarrior]

Pre-JOTD ( from Mrs. ZW )

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

[ZWarrior]

It is always interesting to look back on the careers of the greats of
the entertainment world and see their first, stumbling efforts on the
path the greatness.

Elvis Presley was a young lad fresh from the farm when he first started trying to cut a record. He was, in those days, accompanied everywhere by his pet pig. Virtually all of his songs were ballads eulogizing this porker of whom he was inordinately fond.

There were those who tried to say that he would never make it to the big time unless he changed his subject matter. How wrong they were!

One day Presley turned up at the studio without the pig.

They asked where the animal was.

Tearfully, he explained that his pick-up had broken down on his way into town. He had put a leash on the pig and started to walk the rest of the journey. Just where the road runs closest to the river, the pig had broken free and rushed onto the verge in search of something edible. Losing its footing on the wet grass, it slid into the river and became embedded in the mud.

Try as he might, young Presley could not free his pet. Time and again he struggled into the waters - a raging torrent after recent rains - but despite his best efforts, the animal had sunk deeper and deeper in the mud, its panic-stricken struggles to free itself only making matters worse.

Eventually just its snout could be seen above the water, and then even that disappeared.

Furiously young Presley castigated himself for his failure to save the creature closest to his heart. "Maybe you'll sing about something else now?" they asked.

"The heck I will!" he shouted, and defiantly propped a picture of the pig on the music stand.

Immediately he struck the first chord of the song which was destined to be among his greatest hits, and sang, "You ain't nothing but a drowned hog.."

[ZWarrior]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.  One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me," said one boy.  Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.  As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.  Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was.  He jumped back on his bike and rode off.  Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard!  Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.  Let's see if we can see the Lord."  Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

[JollyRoger]

ROTFLOL :lol:lol:lol
That was the best one I heard from ZW

[ZWarrior]

Then there is researcher Peter Fong, who has given new meaning to the expression "happy as a clam." The Gettysburg College biologist stumbled onto the fact that mollusks reproduce at 10 times their normal rate if Prozac is dumped in the water.

Fong was pursuing research on the basic nervous system of fingernail clams when he discovered that if he dumped the antidepressant into the water, the clams would start reproducing madly.

"It's a piece of wonderful science and it sounds utterly ridiculous at the same time," Abrahams said.

Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as I drove to work. I turned on the radio to listen to my favorite rock station but they were playing Rock-a-billy which I absolutely detest.

So I decided to ram the dial for something better and happened to tune in a local talk show host who was ranting about government waste of fundson useless research projects. He was objecting to congress funding a project to a team in Gettysburg, PA , that was feeding clams and other mollusks large doses of Prozac to determine its effect on these sea dwellers. He cited this as an example of government waste.

I immediately phoned him on my cellular phone and found myself on the air. The host was very unhappy when I told him that this research was very important as it was essential to determine if Prozac was effective as a mussel relaxant.

[ZWarrior]

** Miss Bea, the Church Organist **

 Miss Bea, the church organist was in her eighties and had never been  married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

  One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.  She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

 As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all  things, a condom. When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

 The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking  through Darlinghurst a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the  spread of disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."