Tickle Our Funny Bones

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.

The other dog says, "What was that about?"

The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my messages."

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

[ZWarrior]

Cute...

**********************

A scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway, when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence.

The scoutmaster tried beeping his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard. He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem, a loose wire, which he quickly fixed.

As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.

"Yep," he replied, "beep repaired!"

[snauzberries]

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA NO!:rolleyes:

[JollyRoger]

:;(: umm, Honestly that one truly eluded me.

[Edited on 10-28-2004 by [303]JollyRoger]

[ZWarrior]

What is the Boy Scout motto?

"Be Prepared"

[Morpheus]

That was so bad I just had to comment.:cry:

[JollyRoger]

Excuse me wihile I repeatedlly smash my face in to the wall.

I was even a scout, and I didn't even catch that.

[snauzberries]

well you are slow.........extreamly

[JollyRoger]

at least i am not 10 min Snauz,
BTW, it wasn't untill I read it out load that I got it.

[ZWarrior]

A Native American walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Native American a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the native American turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.
       
The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
       
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
       
The Native American smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

[JollyRoger]

unfortunatly, that joke isn't far from the truth!

[ZWarrior]

Trust me, I know that.

[opiesilver]

He's got some experience...........

[ZWarrior]

I've shot that bull a few times.

[snauzberries]

Im a bull?

[JollyRoger]

wrong bull Snauz.

[ZWarrior]

He may be full of it though!

[JollyRoger]

more then just, "it".

[ZWarrior]

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night celebrating, and imbibing. They all became inebriated. And then Friar Tuck began to sing. He became louder with each drink.

Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on.

The moral of the story? . . .

You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse.

[ZWarrior]

Long one, watch the language at the end:

A number of years ago there lived on Long Island, a wealthy business man who had made and lost a couple of fortunes on Wall Street in his short 29 years. At the time of this story, the business man was enjoying his third fortune and had taken a year off from work.

His mother had recently died and one day while he was exploring some old chests in the attic of the huge farmhouse in the Adirondack Mountains near Lake Placid, he came across a map that was obviously very, very old. Something striking about the he map immediately caught his attention.

After studying the map for several days, the business man became convinced that this was indeed an authentic map to the fabled Seven Cities of Cybolla. Persistent stories handed down from generation to generation told of a fabulously wealthy circle of seven cities whose exact location had been lost somewhere in the deep, dark jungles of Africa and had never been found.

These stories also told of fabulous stores of jewels, gold and priceless artifacts that still existed for anyone who could locate the seven cities.

The business man was determined to be the first to find the Seven Cities of Cybolla and to claim its treasures, so he confided in two of his closest friends and persuaded them to join him.

Together, they sailed to Africa, rode overland for four days and found themselves in the small town of Aba on the border of the deepest jungles in what was once the country of Belgian Congo. There they organized a safari of 25 native porters carrying food, clothing, supplies and large, empty boxes with which to carry the treasures out of the jungle.

Early the next morning, a line of native porters led by the three Americans headed out into the jungles. Travel was slow in the intense heat and humidity of the tropical forest, particularly as they had to literally cut every inch of their path by swinging huge machetes to clear away the vines and undergrowth. For four days of grueling travel, following the markings on the old map, the safari made its way across swollen rivers, through mosquito infested swamps and past many alligator nests.

At high noon on the fifth day, while the safari was resting from its exhausting work, the group suddenly heard a terrifying sound off in the distance in the direction in which the safari was headed.

"Foo! Foo! Foo!" was the sound.

The members of the safari looked at each other, unsure what was making such a shrieking, ungodly sound.

All of a sudden, there appeared in the air directly over the group, a huge, black bird, screaming at a deafening level, "Foo! Foo! Foo!" In one swoop, the Foo Bird took aim at the first of the three Americans at the head of the safari, dove headlong through the air at near supersonic speed in a dive bombing run so well executed that any military pilot would have been impressed, and completely covered the man with crap. It was a terrible, vile smelling mess!

The poor man quickly ran to the edge of the nearby stream, dove in and immediately began to scrub away at the disgusting crap. After an hour of hard work, the majority of the stuff had been washed away and the man felt he was ready to move on again.

That night, while everyone else was sleeping, the man died.

The rest of the expedition were truly saddened by the death of the man, but the two remaining American organizers decided that they should continue on in spite of this tragedy. They were sure their friend would have wanted it that way and besides, now the treasure now only had to be split two ways.

Before long they were on their way, hacking their path through the jungle after they had properly buried the body of their friend. Unfortunately they had not gone too far when once again they heard the sounds of the approaching Foo Bird. "Foo!. Foo! Foo!"

The safari members began to run for cover but it was too late and the huge Foo Bird suddenly appeared at the head of the line of running people, took aim at the American in the lead, and dumped a tremendous load which covered the man from head to foot.

It was excruciating to the poor man but as he raced to the stream to wash the terrible mess off, he stopped, remembered that the first man had died after he had cleaned away the very same kind of crap.

Perhaps, he reasoned, there was a connection between washing and his unfortunate death.

With that, the second man returned to the group, determined not to take a bath as long as he could stand it.

That determination lasted for nearly a week when finally , it became so unbearable in appearance, smell and discomfort that the man finally gave in.

He went to the stream and cleaned the mess from his body.

Later that night, while everyone else was sleeping, he died.

The business man who had initiated the safari was very sad because he had lost two of his closest friends, but decided to continued because he knew his friends would have wanted him to. Besides, the treasure would be his alone with no need to share it with anyone else!

The next morning he climbed to the top of the a hill and to his amazement, there at his feet, lay a lush, tropical valley and the Seven Cities of Cybolla glittering in all their glory. The business man rushed down the hill, along the banks of the river and made his way to the entrance of the cities. As he ran deliriously through the streets of the cities he yelled "They are mine It's all mine!"

He yelled so loudly and was so overwhelmed at his unbelievable discovery that he didn't hear the approaching Foo Bird. The gigantic bird took aim at the business man and as accurately as in his first two attacks, smartly deposited the largest load of crap yet on the man running through the empty streets.

The stunned man stopped and was about to rush to the stream to wash the mess off when he realized that it would be certain and immediate death in the night to do so. He sadly realized that he had discovered the worlds richest treasures, but had also been given the cross of isolation at the same time.

To make a very long story somewhat shorter, the business man did claim all the wealth of the Seven Cities of Cybolla, returned to America and lived a very long life in all the luxury his unmeasured wealth could afford.

However, he enjoyed his wealth as a lonely, isolated man.

His wife, his children, his family and his friends disowned him because of the absolutely disgusting appearance and stench of the man because of the crap. They did not understand why he refused to wash the mess and clean himself.

After many, lonely years, he neared death. Realizing he had only a few more days to live, the business man decided he wanted more than anything else to see his wife and children again.

Carefully, he went into the shower with steel wool cleaning pads and a chisel.

It took him most of the day, but he was clean and ready to greet his family at the door when they arrived for dinner. He spent a wonderful evening sharing with the family, catching up on all the news and local gossip, and finally they left.

Later that night, the business man died.

Now I would not have imposed upon your time and attention without having a purpose. I am very sensitive to the value of time and am determined to make the time you have given to this story worthwhile. My goal in telling this story is to draw from the experience of this heroic and fabulously wealthy man and learn so that we might become better and more mature individuals.

I believe the true message of this story is in fact, a moral with deep meaning for us all:

"If the Foo sh#ts, wear it."

[opiesilver]

The division of the human family into 2 distinct political groups began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer & would go to the beach & live on fish & lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented simply to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization & together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Conservatives and Liberals.

Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.  That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This is where the split begins.  Those men motivated and skilled enough to hunt became the conservatives. The men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting became the liberals.

Liberals learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the sewing, fetching & hair dressing. Hence, the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest simply became known as 'girleymen'.

Some of the most noteworthy liberal achievements in history include the domestication of cats, the formation of trade union, and the invention of group therapy & group hugs.  The most notable liberal invention was the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.  While liberals became symbolized by the jackass. Coincidence?

Today, modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note is that most liberal women actually have higher testosterone levels than liberal men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Those conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing for mankind. They like to "govern", so they can decide what to do with the meat and beer the conservatives produce. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were migrating to America.

Liberals then crept into the US after the Wild West was tame by conservatives.  Now, they spend all of their time in America trying to get as much as possible from conservatives while doing as little as possible for themselves.

That's today's lesson in world history.

[ZWarrior]

HEY!!!

I drink imported beer, but I am definitely not a liberal nut job.

Now gimme my gun and ammo, it's time for some huntin'

Here Opie Opie!

[JollyRoger]

Mmmm, Imported beer.
Liberal Nut Jobs! I'll Show you a Liberal Nut Job, Hermans Nut House down on Grover!

[opiesilver]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how
they had given their new wives duties:

The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do
all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at
their house. He said that it took a couple days but on
the third day he came home to a clean house and the
dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Carolina. He
bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was
to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He
told them that the first day he didn't see any
results, but, the next day it was better. By the third
day, his house was clean,
the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the
table.

The third man married a Texas girl. He boasted that he
told her that her duties were to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed,
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the
swelling had gone down, and he could see a little out
of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat,
load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.