I am here in Omaha, I work at the Nebraska Medical Center doing Tech Support. I also work part-time at Proxibid - an online auction company. Still in the Marine Reserves and going to School at Bellevue University for Criminal Justice... Something always seems to be going on.
So what are the games you guys are playing now these days? Ive picked up some of the newer Battlefield and COD games but they just dont feel like they use to with Unreal Tournament. Ahh the good ole days
Hey Guys!! Well I'm back again. Afghanistan was definitely a little more hectic. Things are good though. So what is going on lately? You guys go to any lans at all? Any games I should purchase before I go broke and get up to speed on? Great to be back! And have a Merry Christmas!
Hey guys just thought i would drop by and see how things are going, im in Iraq right now but ive only got about 3months left on my deployment before i get to come home again, should be about mid to late september. Itll be nice coming back with some cash, ive had the same computer now for about 4years so itll be time to update it.
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken back, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.' Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you.'
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's no need," his wife replied.
"No," Jake insisted, with tears in his eyes, "I want to die in peace. I have to tell you....I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now, Jake, please just rest and let the poison work."
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the freaking difference?" asks the father
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just freaking beautiful!'"
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own business
Thought i would stop by and say hello to everyone! I figured this would be the most appropriate thread since this is where i dedicated most of posts.
Thats right your very own Rico Suave is going to Join the United States Marine Corp.
After my B-Day on Jan. 26 i started the process of meeting with recruitors and looking for where i belong best.. as it turns out i think the Marine Corp is the perfect Fit.
So i just went through my MEPS Screening which took place with me going to Des Moines monday night and i got back Tuesday, took the ASVAB, Medical Screening, and of course the Oath.
As of right now i leave for Boot Camp on Aug. 7, 2006 I Scored a 73 on my ASVAB and today im going to go select my MOS (Job) Im hoping there is an opening in Intel but ill find out all the jobs later today i hope. Wish me Luck!
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Omaha has its own version of traffic rules:
1. At a 4-way stop, the truck with the loudest exhaust goes first. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. Blue-haired ladies driving anything have right of way anytime.
2. To find anything in Omaha, it is required that you know where 72nd & Dodge is. It is the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End of all directions.
3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot.
5. Construction is a permanent fixture in Omaha. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
6. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been accidentally activated.
7. Never honk at anyone. Ever. . . Seriously.
8. The JFK Freeway, MLK Freeway, I-480 and US-75 are four names for >the same road. (see also US-133, Blair High Road, Military Ave., NW >Radial, Saddle Creek, and Cuming St.)
9. The Omaha interstate and highway system is intended primarily for cargo-bearing trucks and resident commuters. Any cars not bearing Omaha or Council Bluffs plates will be cut-off, boxed-in and caused to miss their exit.
10. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as: potholes, barricades, dogs, cats, cones, barrels, squirrels, rabbits, deer, pieces of other cars, raccoons, skunks, opossum, truck tires, horses, cows and crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.
11. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 mph in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a hazard and will be "flipped-off" accordingly.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on the JFK/MLK/I-480/US-75 (see above) is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Nebraska's version of NASCAR.
13. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.
14. The seasons, Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter, are referred to here as Morning, Afternoon, Evening, and Night.
15. If it is below freezing and sleeting or snowing, then watch out. Omaha residents consider this "demolition derby day" and will be all over the roads (frontward, backward, etc.). Please proceed with caution as you could be the next target.
Once again, we would like to say, WELCOME TO OMAHA, NEBRASKA. Enjoy your stay. _________________
Sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed. (hmmmmmm...) ====================== Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.
====================== For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dishwashing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)
========================= Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).
====================== Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
========================= Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. And now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get sharpened this way! ====================== Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time! Now, where to put the body?
======================== Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
======================== Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
======================== Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linen.
======================== Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning.
======================== To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!
======================== To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
======================== Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
======================== Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
======================== When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
======================== Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
======================== Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. Left over wine? What's that? !
======================== To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.
======================== Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.
======================== Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
======================== When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
======================== Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China.
======================== Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
======================== Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
======================== Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
======================== Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain! followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.
=======================
* Just cleaned it up for read-ability - ZW *
WD40 I thought that you might like to know more about this well-known product.
When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop. Viola! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.
The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts. The workers were so pleased with the product, they began smuggling (also known as "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home. The executives decided there might be a consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans.
The rest, as they say, is history.
It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four people. Only one of them is the "brew master." There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured each year. It gets it's distinctive smell from a fragrance that is added to the brew. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
Here are some of the uses:
*Protects silver from tarnishing
*Cleans and lubricates guitar string
*Gets oil spots off concrete driveways
*Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery *Keeps flies off cows
*Restores and cleans chalkboards
*Removes lipstick stains
*Loosens stubborn zippers
*Untangles jewelry chains
*Removes stains from stainless steel sinks
*Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill
*Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing
*Removes tomato stains from clothing
*Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots
*Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors
*Keeps scissors working smoothly
*Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
*Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide
*Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers
*Rids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises
*Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open
*Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close
*Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers
*Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles *Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
*Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy handling
*Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly
*Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools
*Removes splattered grease on stove
*Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging
*Lubricates prosthetic limbs
*Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)
*Removes all traces of duct tape
*I have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
*Florida's favorite use was "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers
*The favorite use in the state of New York--WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
*WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
*Use it for fire ant bites It takes the sting away immediately, and stops the itch.
*WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
*Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry ,saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
*If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.(If I knew what a distributor cap was, it might help)
*WD-40, long known for its ability to remove leftover tape mung (sticky label tape), is also a lovely perfume and air freshener! Sprayed liberally on every hinge in the house, it leaves that distinctive clean fresh scent for up to two days!
*Seriously though, it removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor!
*Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.
*Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
*Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly!
Use WD-40!
you can also use WD40 to get static out of you slinky clothes.
Two interesting stories.
STORY NUMBER ONE
Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.
Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was his lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time. To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well Not only was the money big, but also Eddie got special dividends. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block. Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him.
Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had the best of everything: clothes, cars and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object. And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was. Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name and a good example.
One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done. He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great. So, he testified.
Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street. But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he would ever pay.
Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion and a poem clipped from a magazine.
The poem read:
The clock of life is wound but once And no man has the power To tell just when the hands will stop At late or early hour. Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time. For the clock may soon be still.
STORY NUMBER TWO
World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific.
One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship. His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet. As he was returning to the mother ship he saw something that turned his blood cold, a squadron of Japanese aircraft were speeding their way toward the American fleet.
The American fighters were gone on a mission, and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger. There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet.
Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent. Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible and rendering them unfit to fly.
Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction. Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier. Upon arrival he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had in fact destroyed five enemy aircraft.
This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of Honor. A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29. His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.
So the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.
SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?
Originally posted by [303]snauzberries we got PVC also....it work fine.... if you have a snake it will be cheaper but drano is fine on PVC unless you keep it in there for too long
And if Drano DOESNT do the job it WILL sit in thier and cause damage... So far working with my father we havent ever used drano just the snake and a plunger and every time we have come out fine.
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
11. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
13. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
14. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
15. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
16. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
17. Stop singing and read on...
18. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
19. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
21. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
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4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
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5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
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6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
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10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
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11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
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14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
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15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam.
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17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks , so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
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18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
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20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
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22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
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23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling," he says."I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, "he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60 mph.
"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says,"I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and says.............. "The airbag."
Never underestimate how a woman thinks.
1. Why are men such jerks? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
2. Why do men always have to ogle other women? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
4. Why do men always say such stupid things? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. Why are men so uncommunicative? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
6. Why can't men just share their feelings? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
7. Why can't men cuddle more (IE lie down and hug)? Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our butts for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
8. How can men sit on their butts all day without moving? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
9. Why can't men just say "I LOVE YOU?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
10. Why do men say "I LOVE YOU" when they hardly know me? Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
11. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
12. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
13. What's with all the belching and farting? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
14. Why do men hate shopping? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err...... buying? I HAVE TO REALLY AGREE WITH THIS, WHAT A WASTE OF TIME.
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GREAT TRUTHS
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . hav ing a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having a girlfriend/boyfriend that thinks you're really good looking
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having a girlfriend/boyfriend that thinks you're really good looking
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
NEW PROVERBS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM
1. Home is where you hang your @. 2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice. 9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. Don't byte off more than you can view. 14. Fax is stranger than fiction. 15. What boots up, must come down. 16. Windows will never cease. 17. Virtual reality is its own reward. 18. Modulation in all things. 19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. 20. There's no place like your homepage.
In a restroom: TOILET OUT OF ORDER.PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
On a convenience gas station/restaurant: KIDS WITH GAS EAT FREE
In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In another office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim...er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim...er I'd swim this river and knock your head off!!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and build a bridge.
Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.
Finally... Mrs. Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!! Ever day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge...have at it."
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna across that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up...
TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!
"Rufus!" cried to the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge...I stepped up on the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge...looked up..."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking...surely I cannot look that old? You may enjoy this short story.
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then the son of a Gun asked, "What did you teach?"
ZERO GRAVITY When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
*cleaned up the format and the language -ZW *
Thanks, just keeping you guys on your toes [Edited on 10-5-2004 by ZWarrior]
LOL when you play with us you wont need to add a few when were done. last time i played i had 21 Welts then the weekend before that i had 20 and the weekend before that i had 13.
but if you think i got it bad you shoulda saw the guys i was up against :cool
yeah i also have a group of guys that play, we play alomst every weekend but since school started and homecoming next week we are a little broke. But after homecoming about a week or 2 thier is normally about 12-18 guys that will play.
We play over on turkey Road in papillion.
Take 84th to Lincoln and drive until you hit turkey(first left when you hit gravel) its very easy to find and it is about 50ft off of city limits so cops cant stop us either.
Jolly/Slider guy guys wanna duke it out someday?
the only rules we have when we play is no Auto's.. and if one of us happens to bring a gf then no excessive shooting on her
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You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
-ZW *
