Author Topic: Tickle Our Funny Bones (Read 178846 times)

ZWarrior · « **Reply #650 on:** January 10, 2006, 02:18:48 PM »

A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "At least we can still drive!"

ZWarrior · « **Reply #651 on:** January 12, 2006, 11:41:12 AM »

A picky customer went to a small food shop and saw a new delivery of fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he said to the saleswoman. She did.

"Add three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too." She did.

"And what is that there?" he asks, pointing out a bushel basket in the corner.

"Raisins," said the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"

JollyRoger · « **Reply #652 on:** January 14, 2006, 06:51:02 PM »

A truck driver was driving down a particularly icy road when he noticed
a tollbooth ahead. He put on his brakes, but the truck failed to stop.
The truck crashed into the tollbooth, smashing it. As he surveyed the
damage, a second truck pulled up. Workers scrambled out and began
reconstructing the tollbooth with a white putty. Before long it looked as
good as new. Puzzled, he asked about the substance. The worker said,
"Oh, that's just tollgate booth paste."

ZWarrior · « **Reply #653 on:** January 17, 2006, 03:15:12 PM »

Little Benjamin came running into the kitchen where is mother was working.

"Mom, can I please change my name right now?" he asked.

"But why would you want to do that?" replied his mom.

"Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Benjamin!"

Mr_Anderson · « **Reply #654 on:** January 17, 2006, 05:28:28 PM »

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

ZWarrior · « **Reply #655 on:** January 19, 2006, 03:53:42 PM »

A father had three very active boys. One evening, he was playing cops and robbers with them in the backyard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his father and yelled, "Bang! You're dead!"

The dad slumped to the ground, and when he didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if he had been hurt in the fall.

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked father opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day."

ZWarrior · « **Reply #656 on:** January 20, 2006, 04:28:33 PM »

Lisa, a worker at the travel agency, needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish. John reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug out the letter he'd written then.

"All you have to do," John told her, "Is change the details, the date, and the name."

She looked it over and smiled wryly. "We won't even need to change the name."

Boomslang · « **Reply #657 on:** February 02, 2006, 07:06:56 PM »

In my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word
"service."

"The act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
Selective Service
City/County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I
thought "service" meant.

Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them
mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of
his cows.

SHAZAM! It suddenly all came into clear perspective.
Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to
us.

ZWarrior · « **Reply #658 on:** February 03, 2006, 01:15:17 PM »

Consider these newly discovered laws of the universe...

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of any itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Warm Water Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

ZWarrior · « **Reply #659 on:** February 07, 2006, 12:18:44 PM »

My wife and I were visiting her 95-year-old grandfather when he asked us to take him to buy a new hat. My wife took me aside. "I'm worried that he doesn't have enough money, and he'll be very embarrassed," she said.

So I asked the salesperson to tell my wife's grandfather that whichever hat he chose cost $15. I would pay the difference. Grandpa picked out a hat and was charged $15.

After he left, I paid the other $45 of the price. Later Grandpa said, "What a bargain! The last one I bought there cost me $60.

Mr_Anderson · « **Reply #660 on:** February 07, 2006, 04:07:12 PM »

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, ''I've kidnapped you.''

She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow blonde?''

ZWarrior · « **Reply #661 on:** February 13, 2006, 01:31:23 PM »

TOP 10 THINGS MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN

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ZWarrior · « **Reply #662 on:** February 14, 2006, 10:07:37 AM »

Jack was a good man but a bit stingy. He would bargain and haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated paying his medical fees.

One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife frantically called the family doctor, who arrived just as the patient's face was turning blue. The physician quickly removed the bone.

After he was breathing normally again, although overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, he began to worry about the medical fees.

Trying his best to keep his costs down, he turned to the good doctor and asked, "How much do I owe you for this small two-minute job?"

The doctor, who knew his patient's miserly habit all too well, replied, "Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone was still stuck in your throat!"

ZWarrior · « **Reply #663 on:** February 16, 2006, 10:52:02 AM »

Henry's first stop on his vacation was his sister's house. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards.

This time, Henry figured he'd done her one better. He boasted to her, "You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped and ready to go."

His sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"

ZWarrior · « **Reply #664 on:** February 17, 2006, 02:18:58 PM »

The child came home from his first day at school. His mother asked, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The child replied, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

ZWarrior · « **Reply #665 on:** February 20, 2006, 12:49:19 PM »

Have you ever thought...?

Good things come in small packages because big things can't, unless they're inflatable or require some assembly.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

JollyRoger · « **Reply #666 on:** February 21, 2006, 11:00:25 AM »

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).
The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

ZWarrior · « **Reply #667 on:** February 21, 2006, 12:28:00 PM »

Have you seen this funny birthday card? It says:

Forget about the past, You can't change it.

Forget about the future, You can't predict it.

Forget about the present, I didn't buy you one.

ZWarrior · « **Reply #668 on:** February 23, 2006, 01:01:05 PM »

A woman sees a beautiful bracelet in a jewelry store window. Not having the money to purchase the item, but desperately longing for it, she enters and speaks to the clerk.

"If I were to give you a small deposit for this item, could you possibly hold it for me?"

"Certainly," replies the clerk. "For how long shall we hold the item?

"Until my husband does something unforgivable."

JollyRoger · « **Reply #669 on:** February 24, 2006, 03:17:49 AM »

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

ZWarrior · « **Reply #670 on:** February 24, 2006, 05:45:03 PM »

Sally was recently widowed, and also a first-grade teacher. One night she was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials. She took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then she set it on the couch to see how it looked.

Later that evening, her son walked through the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at the coat-hanger figure sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"

ZWarrior · « **Reply #671 on:** February 27, 2006, 02:37:43 PM »

A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened.

A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man.

After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carburetor to me." Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.

Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked.

The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie."

The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carburetor to me.'"

The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars."

ZWarrior · « **Reply #672 on:** March 23, 2006, 01:03:30 AM »

PLEASE NOTICE:

You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.

- The Department of Notification

ZWarrior · « **Reply #673 on:** March 25, 2006, 09:02:36 PM »

** My apologies to whomever wrote this joke. I just HAD to make the change **

On twenty-four-year-old Jolly's first trip to DisneyWorld, he couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, he clutched the little steering wheel in front of him.

When the ride was over, he said to his father a little shakily, "Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."

[Edited on 3-26-2006 by ZWarrior]

ZWarrior · « **Reply #674 on:** April 06, 2006, 12:14:15 PM »

Curious when she found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, Jane had them made into prints. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were a picture of her as a younger, slimmer person, taken on one of her first dates with her husband.

When showing him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"

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Author Topic: Tickle Our Funny Bones (Read 178846 times)