Author Topic: Tickle Our Funny Bones (Read 179487 times)

(A!)Rico · « **Reply #25 on:** November 25, 2002, 09:35:44 PM »

heres some revised man rules...

THERE'S A NEW SET OF RULES NOW!!

Now it's time for the man's rules. We always hear "the rules" for the feminine side. Ok - we are now going to hear the rules from the man's side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work

Strong hints do not work

Obvious hints do not work

Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. I'm in shape. -ROUND is a shape.

opiesilver · « **Reply #26 on:** November 26, 2002, 03:01:51 AM »

:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol

Morpheus · « **Reply #27 on:** November 26, 2002, 03:48:58 PM »

Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be
alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date
rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target
unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now
available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in
large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars
to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of
"beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are
rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will
often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women
to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men
often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the
night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported
that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is
administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

ZWarrior · « **Reply #28 on:** November 27, 2002, 03:38:24 PM »

Thank Goodness I quit drinking, and more importantly, I am also married. That drug almost got me in trouble a few times. WOW!

It also leads to delusions of grandeur. you think that your puny 6ft 175lb self can take that 6' 5" 300lb gorilla at the next table.

(A!)Rico · « **Reply #29 on:** December 08, 2002, 03:53:16 AM »

The Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

[Edited on 12-8-2002 by [Lord] Rico]

(A!)Rico · « **Reply #30 on:** December 08, 2002, 03:55:32 AM »

Another blonde...

Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

ZWarrior · « **Reply #31 on:** December 08, 2002, 04:31:50 PM »

Grooooaaaannn

Wolverine of Ambush! · « **Reply #32 on:** December 09, 2002, 08:42:08 AM »

good one... ha hahahahahahaha :lol

Morpheus · « **Reply #33 on:** February 05, 2003, 03:02:22 PM »

OMG my stomach is killing me

opiesilver · « **Reply #34 on:** February 05, 2003, 07:33:17 PM »

What does NASA really stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts.

Morpheus · « **Reply #35 on:** February 05, 2003, 09:14:27 PM »

ok that one was regurgitated from the 80's

opiesilver · « **Reply #36 on:** February 05, 2003, 09:38:55 PM »

It was that or "Not Another Shuttle Accident."

ZWarrior · « **Reply #37 on:** February 17, 2003, 02:44:30 PM »

*Whale Speak*

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."

"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.

"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like this: 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!'

( Man, I hate that commercial! - ZW )

ZWarrior · « **Reply #38 on:** February 17, 2003, 03:24:14 PM »

For those of you with kids on the way, or freshly hatched, or just in general:

http://angsttechnology.com/AT/index.cfm?toon=12-30-02

opiesilver · « **Reply #39 on:** February 17, 2003, 11:54:46 PM »

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandfather. Not like the screaming passengers in his car.

ZWarrior · « **Reply #40 on:** February 18, 2003, 12:24:17 PM »

The Difference between The Liberal and Conservative "Debate" Over The War on Terrorism:

Question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities.
In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this
situation?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

____________________________________________________________

Conservative Answer:

BANG!
____________________________________________________________

Texan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click...(sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed)

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy!"

ZWarrior · « **Reply #41 on:** February 24, 2003, 05:14:17 PM »

21. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda

20. MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver

18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino

17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

16. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden

15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates

14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

13. MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore

12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

10. DETROIT a Travel Guide

9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian

8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes

5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA

3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson

1. MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton/with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

yoda_mon · « **Reply #42 on:** February 26, 2003, 02:03:35 PM »

When you have an "I hate my job day" try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson". Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change into very comfortable clothing, such as a track suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement. "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested".

Now close your eyes and repeat out loud 5 times, "I am so glad I do not work for Quality Control at the Johnson and Johnson Company." Have a nice day and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.

Morpheus · « **Reply #43 on:** February 27, 2003, 09:41:51 AM »

Click Here

Wolverine of Ambush! · « **Reply #44 on:** February 27, 2003, 11:48:03 AM »

NICE! LOVED IT!

opiesilver · « **Reply #45 on:** February 27, 2003, 01:30:13 PM »

That was GREAT!!!!!

opiesilver · « **Reply #46 on:** March 02, 2003, 11:11:23 PM »

Sorry Rico, I just don't find liberal jokes all that funny. Better luck next time.

Wolverine of Ambush! · « **Reply #47 on:** March 03, 2003, 09:16:20 AM »

I am for President Bush.

yoda_mon · « **Reply #48 on:** March 03, 2003, 11:37:28 AM »

How to say "I Love You" in 17 languages...
English . . . . . . . . . I Love You
Spanish . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
German . . . . . . . . . Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese . . . . . . . . . Ai *&#$e Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
Chinese . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma,
Texas, North Carolina,
South Carolina, Georgia,
Tennessee, Missouri,
Mississippi, Montana,
Louisiana, Virginia,
West Virginia & Kentucky . . . "Nice ***,Get in the truck ."

opiesilver · « **Reply #49 on:** March 03, 2003, 02:35:11 PM »

You forgot to add Kansas and Nebraska!:lol

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Author Topic: Tickle Our Funny Bones (Read 179487 times)