Tickle Our Funny Bones

[JollyRoger]

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench...

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!" Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!

[ZWarrior]

Wow! A blonde joke that doubles as a pun as well!

Sounds like it was a Nebraska game too.  

*ducks into a bunker to avoid the incoming flames*

[ZWarrior]

Here is my counter joke:

http://www.wowt.com/sports/headlines/1088666.html

:lol

[JollyRoger]

:lol

[ZWarrior]

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.

One says to the other, "Are you all right?"

"No, I lost an electron."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive."

********************************


There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.

After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.

Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.

Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use the roopes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.

The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."

*********************************

A fellow got up one morning and decided he no longer was going to shave himself, he was instead going to the barber for his morning shave.

The town barber also happened to be the local pastor in town. When the guy walked into the barber shop the barber/pastor was not there, he was out on a pastoral call but his wife Grace was in the shop.

The man said to Grace, "I want a shave." Grace told him to climb up in the chair and she gave him a shave. When Grace was finished he asked her how much for the shave and Grace said, "Twenty dollars."

"Twenty dollars, that seems a little steep," the guy replied.

Grace said: "That's my charge."

So the guy gave her $20 bill and went on his way. The next morning when he got up he went to the mirror and looked and his face was as smooth as when he was shaved the day before. He checked the following the day, same thing, a week went by, two weeks and his face stayed as smooth as a baby's face.

Finally after the third week he stopped back in the barber shop and Grace happened to be there. The guy said to her: "Grace, I can't believe I still don't need another shave. You did some kind of magnificent job."

And Grace replied, "Well, you have been shaved by Grace and once shaved always shaved!"

[ZWarrior]

Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the colonies.

One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint.

As a result of this disaster, both crews were... marooned.

[ZWarrior]

He comes across the strangest looking beast he has ever seen. It's a quarter part elephant, a quarter monkey, a quarter hippo and a quarter tiger and with a very sweet disposition.

They cage it and ship it to New York to the explorers club where he exhibits the creature that he calls a "Rarey" and gives a talk on it before the members.

Over a short period of time he notices that the Rarey is growing extremely fast and is soon too large to keep in a cage. He decides to return it to its home in Africa even though there is not enough food around to keep it alive. They reach the edge of a tall cliff and they both look over knowing that the Rarey, unable to survive, must go over the edge to his death.

The explorer says "Good bye old friend I will miss you". To his surprise the Rarey speaks for the first time. It looks down over the steep cliff and sings, "It's a long way to Tipperary".

[JollyRoger]

:;(:

[snauzberries]

:rolleyes:

[ZWarrior]

Oh, ya liked that one huh?

**********************
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.

After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict."

His order comes a while later and it's served on a big shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"

The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

[JollyRoger]

You know I am really starting to wonder about you and your joke. Aye ye ye ye ye!

[snauzberries]

i concur jolly

[ZWarrior]

Well, here's another for you...
************************************

The Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park. They were in the middle of Beethoven´s 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.

After a few rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was under way. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.


GO YANKEES!!!

[JollyRoger]

Ok so you add Go YAnkees which made that Joke a little funnier, but you already told that one.

[snauzberries]

YOU SNAUZED!

[ZWarrior]

how about this one...

Luke and Opie had been good friends for a long time. Luke had recently had some business successes and was quite well off. With his new found wealth he bought a boat and named it "The Fourth of July." To celebrate his new found wealth Luke invited Opie to spend a day out on the lake with him.

Opie however was late because he had to take his wife to the obstetrician, his cousin Juan. He consequently was late in getting to the lake.

Meanwhile back on "The Fourth of July" Luke was feeling no pain, he had thrown back a few and was quite tipsy when Opie finally arrived. When he saw Opie walking down the dock he jumped up and lost his balance and started to fall face first into the dock. Luckily Opie rushed over and caught Luke.

Thus it was that O.B. Juan's kin Opie saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.


I should note, I changed NOTHING in that joke, it really did have those names when I got it.  

[Edited on 10-22-2004 by ZWarrior]

[opiesilver]

:x

[ZWarrior]

The Enterprise was traveling through space, when Mr. Sulu said, "Captain Kirk, sensors reveal that we will soon be entering a wide expanse of space in which there are no planets for at least 20 light-years."

"No big deal. Let's go where no man has gone before."

So they traveled at warp five and saw no planets, suns comets or asteroids for a week. The crew was getting stir-crazy when Mr. Chekhov said that there was a single sun with a single planet coming up. When they got there, they were greeted warmly by the inhabitants. All of the crew had questions on various subjects. Then one of the crew's linguists asked how the inhabitants got their name, Fuhgarwians.

A chief said, "We were being conquered by Klingons, Romulans, The Borg and other races, so we decided to leave our old planet and headed on a course of 141 mark 22. As luck would have it, we came upon this expanse much in the way that you did, and we finally found this planet, with the blessings of the space deities. All our great chiefs, sages, scientists, philosophers, and shamans investigated this place, with great results. But the one over-riding, unanswered question they all had, including the stellar cartographers and astronomers, was: 'Where in the Fuhgarwi?'"

[JollyRoger]

:rolleyes:

[ZWarrior]

Patrick O'Reilly was lucky. Since the day he had found that four leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. And now, a year later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy and a girl.

At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had received a substantial raise, and now the firm had come up with a profit sharing plan.

Patty was certain his good fortune was due to his 4-leaf clover. Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket.

One morning, Patty could not find the clover.

He searched the house, but it was not there. In panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it. He finally recalled it was in his gray suit that he had dropped off at the dry cleaners.

He rushed to the cleaners only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked up. He searched the suit and found the 4-leaf clover, still in one piece but now flattened from the dry cleaning.

From that day on, Patty's fortunes changed. Life was good but was no longer perfect.

The little inconveniences were always there.

He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting.

The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner.

No, Patty's life had changed. He still carried the amulet, but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to and had come to expect.

Finally, he had had enough. He visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened.

"This certainly was to be expected," he was told. "You should have known ... One should never press one's luck."

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

[Morpheus]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees!  What powerful rivers!  What
beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a
rustling in the bushes behind him.  He turned to look.
He saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.  He looked over
his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on
him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was
even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.  He rolled over to
pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him,
reaching for him with his left paw and raising his
right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out:

"Oh, my God! ...."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out
of the sky:

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach
others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a
cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light,

"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to
treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make
the BEAR a Christian?"

From the light, the voice replied: "Very well."

Then the light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws
together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive for
the nourishment of my body through Christ our Lord.
Amen."

[JollyRoger]

:lol

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

oldie but goodie!:D

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end.

One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's measurements: 36-22-36.

"Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?"

The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?"

Rory got to spend the night.