Tickle Our Funny Bones

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

A VICAR goes to a nursing home to visit an elderly
parishioner. He notices a bowl of peanuts beside her
bed and takes one. As they talk, he can't help himself
and eats one after another. By the time they have
finished talking, the bowl is empty. The vicar says,
"I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your
peanuts."

"That's okay," says the parishioner. "They would have
just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck
the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl."

:x

[ZWarrior]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there
is to know.  Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,  "OK, Bubba how about
Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and
his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure
enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend
come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical.  After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"George Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Senior or Junior?", Bubba asks.

His oss thinks a moment and aswers, "Junior."

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just
on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have
a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now,
but still not  totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.  "Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome.  Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses
in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch
the Pope's eye among all these people.  Tell you what, I know all the
guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with
the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the
balcony.  But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a
heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His
boss looks up and says,  "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out
on the balcony and the man next to me said,  "Who's that on the balcony
with Bubba?"

:lol:D

[ZWarrior]

( Gotta love when your boss sends you material! )

 
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanical problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

 Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.  By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[opiesilver]

Only Dog owners can really appreciate a letter like this....but make sure you read all the way to the end. :-)

Dear Dogs:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to ! sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.

1. The dog lives here. You don't.

2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. **Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups.

The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.

[Morpheus]

Some people just can't get enough FRAG!!!!  Opie is this your new remodel project?

[Morpheus]

Watch where you are driving!

[Edited on 8-25-2003 by Morpheus]

[opiesilver]

How did you get into my basement?

Originally posted by Morpheus
Some people just can't get enough FRAG!!!!  Opie is this your new remodel project?

[ZWarrior]

[Edited on 8-26-2003 by ZWarrior]

[Zeet]

Yea well here's a business that I can't figure out why they went out of business???

<img src="/images/misc/poopshop.jpg" alt="The Poop Shop" border="0">

[(A!)Rico]

(Computer Related Jokes)


A woman was shopping in a computer discount store. She was looking for a
bargain in a sub-300 MHZ model. A salesman walked over and she asked
why the obsolete models were all so expensive. He replied, ''Well, all of those
models are very scarce Miss, you're lucky we even have any in stock.''

''Scarce?'' she said, her voice rising. ''Why just today the paper says all of the
manufacturers have an overstock.''

''Exactly right.'' the salesman smiled. ''There's such a big supply and so little
demand, it doesn't pay to ship them.''  

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Some of the best humor is real-to-life. This story was related to me yesterday by the pastor himself (not a computer literate person by his own admission) as he told of a real
phone call he received from the church secretary last week.

Secretary: Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab where

you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started
messing with the mice.

Pastor: What?!?! {thinking: we've got mice in there?}

Secretary: Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls.

Pastor: {incredulously:} Th..th...they did what??? How in the
world did they do that?

Secretary: They must have used a screwdriver or something.

Pastor: We've got some pretty sick boys... I... I... didn't even realize mice had balls...

Secretary: Yeah, they roll around on 'em.

Pastor: What??? {still thinking of the little fury real animals} Well...what can we do?

Secretary: I guess we'll have to put 'em back on.

Pastor: WHAT??!!!!!!

Secretary: Hmmm....Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?!





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female
(e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that
computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons
for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm
certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists, (all female) think that
computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons
follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited
a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman, impatiently waiting for her husband to get off the computer asks in a frenzy of madness.

"Why is a modem any better than a woman?!"
The man, sitting up, did not have to think at all.
"Well, dear, the answer is right under your nose."
He said, patting the
CPU. "You see, the modem doesn't complain
if I sit here and play games,
A modem doesn't mind if I talk to other modems,
a modem doesn't have
purse it can hit you with when it gets mad.
And the MOST IMPORTANT reason is
that a modem comes with an instruction manual."  

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can
be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:


Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.




Advice For Idiots

 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental,Health & Safety Handbook for Employees": "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."  

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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the
free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when
using a word processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a true story.... A man called in to tech support for his internet service and explained to the technician that everytime he got on the Internet, he got shocked. The tech first thought that maybe he was just surprised, but the man actually meant he was SHOCKED. The tech troubleshoot for a little over an hour to try and find out what the problem was. Finally the man told the tech that everytime I get on the Internet, I get shocked...when I lick the monitor with pictures of nude women. Needless to say the tech had to disconnect the call because he was laughing too much to continue the conversation.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, a young lady flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me?" I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner trying awful hard to keep a straight face. I asked her how the plastic got in the drive. "Oh, you mean the condom? Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it to prevent it from catching viruses." By this point, John & Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked, "Does that mean that I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either?"

[(A!)Rico]

31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life:


1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead

. 2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-)

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better: the track ball or the track pad.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

[(A!)Rico]

50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE THE PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

[(A!)Rico]

Another Windows/M$ Joke

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark.

After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."






The Ten Commandments of DOS

I am thy DOS, thou shall have no OS before me, unless Bill Gates gets a cut of the profits therefrom.

Thy DOS is a character based, single user, single tasking, standalone operating system. Thou shall not attempt to make DOS network, multitask, or display a graphical user interface, for that would be a gross hack .

Thy hard disk shall never have more than 1024 sectors. You don't need that much space anyway.

Thy application program and data shall all fit in 640K of RAM. After all, it's ten times what you had on a CP/M machine. Keep holy this 640K of RAM, and clutter it not with device drivers, memory managers, or other things that might make thy computer useful.

Thou shall use the one true slash character to separate thy directory path. Thou shall learn and love this character, even though it appears on no typewriter keyboard, and is unfamiliar. Standardization on where that character is located on a computer keyboard is right out .

Thou shall edit and shuffle the sacred lines of CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT until DOS functions adequately for the likes of you. Giving up in disgust is not allowed.

Know in thy heart that DOS shall always maintain backward compatibility to the holy 2.0 version, blindly ignoring opportunities to become compatible with things created in the latter half of this century. But you can still run WordStar 1.0

Improve thy memory, for thou shall be required to remember that JD031792.LTR is the letter that you wrote to Jane Doe three years ago regarding the tax deductible contribution that you made to her organization. The IRS Auditor shall be impressed by thy memory as he stands over you demanding proof .

Pick carefully the names of thy directories, for renaming them shall be mighty difficult. While you're at it, don't try to relocate branches of the directory tree, either.

Learn well the Vulcan Nerve Pinch (ctrl-alt-del) for it shall be thy saviour on many an occasion. Believe in thy heart that everyone reboots their OS to solve problems that shouldn't occur in the first place.

[(A!)Rico]

i just checked my email and my mom sent me a link so when i get bored i just screw around with it -- my mom said she tried makin it do sommersaults


http://www.electronicorphanage.com/neen/demo/clinger.swf

[(A!)Rico]

Airplane Hijinx

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.

"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.

"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"

[ZWarrior]

Rumored Corporate Mergers
 
It has long been rumored that W. R. Grace Co. was considering buying the Fuller Brush Co. along with Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems.  This mega-corporate entity could be known as Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

    Failed merger:  Yahoo and Netscape. Net 'n Yahoo didn't work out because they would have to relocate the headquarters located in Tel Aviv.

    Proposed merger:   Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers, to be called Fairwell Honeychild.

    Rumored merger:   Wurlitzer with Xerox.  They are going to market reproductive organs.

    Possible merger:   Warner Brothers, Polygraph Records and Keebler -- to be called... Poly-Warner-Cracker.

    3M and Goodyear merger:   mmmGood

    John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi

    Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco and Dakota Mining: Dip Audi Do Da

    Swissair and Cheseborough-Ponds: Swisschese

    Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home

    Luvs Diapers and Hertz Rent-a-Car: Luv Herts

    Upjohn and Chuckie Cheese Pizza: UpChuck

    White Castle Burgers and Glad Trash Bags: White Trash Bags

[ZWarrior]

"The Computer Hillbillies"

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations!..

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought himself some donuts and moved to  the valley...
Silicon, that is... Intel... Pentium ...

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him some more donuts and they sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...

So the weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules were slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was so simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...

The months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Ol' Jed was working hard while his life it slipped away.
He was waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and was escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to when you're told,
Companies will use you up and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start up your own firm,
Beat the competition, and watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...

[ZWarrior]

'nuff said!:D

(freaking codes!!!)

[Edited on 10-30-2003 by ZWarrior]

[ZWarrior]

Hillbilly Birth Control

After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided that 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

 "Trust me, " said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:


 1

 2

 3

 4

 5


 At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

[opiesilver]

roflol:rolling

[(A!)Rico]

>
>.You know you're a redneck when:
>
>1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has
>more teeth than your spouse.
>
>2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at
>the dinner table in front of her kids.
>
>3. You've been married three times and still
>have the same in-laws.
>
>4. You think a woman who is "out of your league"
>bowls on a different night.
>
>5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
>
>6. You wonder how service stations keep
>their restrooms so clean.
>
>7. Anyone in your family ever died right after
>saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
>
>8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
>
>9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
>
>10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
>
>11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner
>are, "Gentlemen start your engines!"
>
>12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house
>exploded right off its wheels.
>
>13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down,
>depending on how much gas is in it.
>
>14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
>
>15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
>
>16. You need one more hole punched in your card to
>get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
>
>17. You can't get married to your sweetheart
>because there's a law against it.
>
>18. You think loading a dishwasher means
>getting your wife drunk.
>
>19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
>
>20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your
>girlfriend hits the floor.
>
>21. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and
>they all say Cool Whip on the side.
>
>22. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
>
>23. If your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
>
>24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler.
>
>25. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
>
>26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride
>out in front of the K-Mart.
>
>27. If your neighbors think you're a detective
>because a cop always brings you home.
>
>28. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does
>$100,000 dollars worth of improvement.
>
>29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back
>scratchier. (Now that's just WRONG!)
>
>30. If you've ever asked the preacher
>"How's it hangin?"
>
>31. If you missed 5th grade graduation
>because you had jury duty.
>
>32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
>
>33. If somebody tells you that you've got something
>in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
>
>34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange
>juice because it said concentrate.
>
>35 If you've ever been too drunk to fish.
>
>36. If you don't understand why the first 35 are funny.
>

[(A!)Rico]

> > >   --A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >   --A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --A snail can sleep for three years.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln
>Memorial
>on
> > > the
> > > > > back of the $5 bill.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Almonds are a member of the peach family.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Babies are born without kneecaps.  They don't appear until the
> > child
> > > > > reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Butterflies taste with their feet.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds!  .
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Dogs only have about 10.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters
>"mt".
> > > > >
> > > > >   --February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to
>have
>a
> > > full
> > > > > moon.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been
>domesticated.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --If the population of China walked past you, in single file,
>the
> > line
> > > > > would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will
>spend
> > > an
> > > > > average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
>silver,
> > > or
> > > > > purple.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
>Parliament
> > > > > building is an American flag.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and
> > ears
> > > > > never stop growing.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Peanuts are one of the ingredients!   of dynamite.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left
>hand;
> > > > > "lollipop" with your right.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says
> > there
> > > > > were three gifts.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon
>of
> > > diesel
> > > > > that it burns.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a
>radar
> > tube
> > > > and
> > > > > a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
>uses
> > > every
> > > > > letter of the alphabet.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze
>completely
> > > > > solid.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether
>they
> > > are
> > > > > read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
> > > > >
> > > > >   --There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --There are more chickens than people in the world.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --There are only four words in the !  English language which end
>in
> > > > > "dous":
> > > > >   tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --There are two words in the English language that have all five
> > > vowels
> > > > in
> > > > > order "abstemious" and "facetious."
> > > > >
> > > > >   --There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
>letters
> > > only
> > > > > on one row of the keyboard.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two
>weeks;
> > > > > otherwise it will digest itself.
> > > > >>
>
>

[ZWarrior]

Glad those were short posts!:lol

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

Good ones!

[ZWarrior]

Number of physicians in the US: 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician.... 0.171
(U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.
Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500.
Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188
(Benton County News Tribune on 17th of November, 1999).

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

"Remember, Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor."

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

Remember guns don't kill people, doctors do!