Author Topic: Tickle Our Funny Bones (Read 179271 times)

Jeggard · « **Reply #800 on:** June 17, 2008, 07:24:21 PM »

OMGosh ANOTHER MARINE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

opiesilver · « **Reply #801 on:** June 17, 2008, 11:39:50 PM »

We can't seem to get rid of them.........

I'm kidding guys...don't hurt me....

Boomslang · « **Reply #802 on:** July 14, 2008, 06:36:59 AM »

When you have an
I Hate My Job Day,
[even if retired, you have those sometimes]
try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOU

ZWarrior · « **Reply #803 on:** July 15, 2008, 08:52:26 AM »

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive - so, I took her to a gas station.

and then the fight started....

************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************************
********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************************
********

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

JollyRoger · « **Reply #804 on:** July 20, 2008, 08:53:40 PM »

Tech Support rate:
TechnicalSupportPriceGuide

(Linked Because of Formatting)

Mr_Anderson · « **Reply #805 on:** July 20, 2008, 11:24:18 PM »

Nice... seems like reasonable rates

opiesilver · « **Reply #806 on:** July 21, 2008, 03:01:51 AM »

Loved it.

ZWarrior · « **Reply #807 on:** July 23, 2008, 08:04:01 PM »

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

Wait for it. .

It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

opiesilver · « **Reply #808 on:** July 23, 2008, 11:02:42 PM »

I smite thee for thy bad joke.

ZWarrior · « **Reply #809 on:** July 24, 2008, 07:27:08 AM »

You laughed, admit it.

Boomslang · « **Reply #810 on:** September 22, 2008, 05:30:28 PM »

There are less than two months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.

To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.

If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day.
If you support Obama, please drive with your headlights off at night.

Thank you for your participation

ZWarrior · « **Reply #811 on:** September 23, 2008, 11:20:25 AM »

I am sooo staying home on that night.

JollyRoger · « **Reply #812 on:** September 23, 2008, 04:23:09 PM »

A man decided to move to the moon. He had everything he needed to survive on the moon, all loaded on his rocket. Just to be on the up and up he contacted the FAA to ask for flight clearance, he was told that he had to contact NASA. He called NASA and they told him it was all clear. So, He launches his ship. On his way up a local military base calls him on the radio and asks for Identification. he tell them his name, and he destination. there was silence...

Then the tell him if he doesn't land they will scramble to fighters to take him down.

He assure them he going to the moon, and that it is impossible to land a rocket.

After a few more minutes the scramble two plane that follow him and attempt to shoot him down.

He did make it too the moon, but three years later when NASA makes it back to the moon they tell him he can't live there and he has to come back to earth and stand trial for trespassing.

He comes back and is detained by officials that tell him he needs a passport....

Moral of the story, You can't leave, you can't come back, and the moon appearently belongs to someone.

Only Humans...

JollyRoger · « **Reply #813 on:** September 24, 2008, 08:31:27 PM »

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Elmer (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing!

Elmer, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.

Later that evening, Elmer quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

Boomslang · « **Reply #814 on:** September 26, 2008, 01:57:54 PM »

Subject: Rallys

On television today a Democratic operative pointed out that when Obama holds a rally 25-30,000 people show up, whereas when McCain holds one he only draws 10-15,000.

The Republican spokesman replied, "That's because McCain's supporters are at work."

ZWarrior · « **Reply #815 on:** September 26, 2008, 05:09:10 PM »

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

opiesilver · « **Reply #816 on:** September 26, 2008, 06:01:19 PM »

That one was worth giving you a karma point over.

ZWarrior · « **Reply #817 on:** October 23, 2008, 04:39:15 PM »

Kentucky Redneck Man's pick up lines

1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer
hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a
light switch away.

Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer
bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he
went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til
afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my
nuts tighten up.

ZWarrior · « **Reply #818 on:** November 14, 2008, 10:23:27 AM »

Dear Fellow Business Owners:

As a Business owner who employs 30 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Obama, will be our next President, and that my Taxes and Fees, will go up in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, I figure, that the Customer, will have to see a 8-9 percent increase in my fees to them. I will also have to lay off 6 of my employees. This really bothered me as I believe we are family, here and didn't know how to choose who will have to go. So, this is what I did:

I strolled thru the parking lot and found, 8 Obama bumper stickers on my employees cars. I have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off. I can't think of another fair way to approach this problem. If you have a better idea, let me know. I am sending this letter to all Business owners that I know.

Sincerely

Ben Giamalva

opiesilver · « **Reply #819 on:** November 25, 2008, 03:08:06 PM »

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self-employed,

And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand.

Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.

And enjoy visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnastic nymphomaniac

with big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking.

This doesn't rhyme, but I don't give a crap

ZWarrior · « **Reply #820 on:** December 15, 2008, 01:32:23 PM »

http://www.xkcd.com/512/

Considering the state of my hard drive and Zune....

I am richer than Uncle BIll could ever be!

Boomslang · « **Reply #821 on:** January 08, 2009, 05:30:48 PM »

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four
religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of
the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters

I saw this over at XI and had to pass it on.

JollyRoger · « **Reply #822 on:** January 23, 2009, 02:21:01 PM »

JollyRoger · « **Reply #823 on:** January 23, 2009, 05:55:53 PM »

Don't steal dannyC bandwidth, seriously! Don't do it!
http://members.cox.net/jrfrancl/517035470243_39581.avi

ZWarrior · « **Reply #824 on:** January 23, 2009, 09:29:49 PM »

LOL love both of them. Good to see DannyC as well.

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Author Topic: Tickle Our Funny Bones (Read 179271 times)