Tickle Our Funny Bones

[Mr_Anderson]

This one is for Snauz:

How to Know if You're a Redneck Jedi

1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
2. You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and beans.
3. You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored.
5. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
6. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
7. You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.
8. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
9. You think that the Stormtrooper Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.
10. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
11. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.
12. Your master has said, ''My finger you will pull..hmmm?''
13. You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
14. You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
15. The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
16. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
17. You have used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
18. You have used The Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
19. You have used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
20. Your father told you, ''Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot.''
21. You've had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light a bar-b-que.

[ZWarrior]

On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, Steve took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving.

Steve asked again for a more detailed description beyond "A blue four-door."

After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."

[Mr_Anderson]

Here are some excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had <strike>diahre</strike> <strike>dyrea</strike> <strike>direathe</strike> the runs.

12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

[Edited on 9-20-2005 by ZWarrior]

[ZWarrior]

Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella.

The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around? It isn't going to rain in the desert!"

To which the guy with the umbrella replied, "Yeah, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don't even have a car to go with it!"

The guy with the car door replied, "Yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"

[ZWarrior]

You should never drink beyond the pint of no return.

[ZWarrior]

A good friend was waiting nearby while his young son prayed silently before going to bed. Suddenly the boy burst out laughing.

"Johnnie!" scolded his father, "Why are you laughing during prayer?"

"But Dad," the boy answered, "you told me that prayer is talking to God as to a friend, and I just told him a joke."

[ZWarrior]

My brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist for a new hairdo. However, he was unable to pick her up, and so he had arranged ahead of time for me to do, and she was supposed to call me when she was ready to be picked up.

However, when the time came she must have dialed a wrong number, she reported later, as she received a very unexpected response.

When she called, a man answered and said "Hello."

She cheerfully replied, "Come and get me!"

The man said, "Are you sure? This is Mitchell's funeral home."

[ZWarrior]

Have you heard about the new pasta diet?

Just walk pasta bakery without stopping, walk pasta candy store without stopping, walk pasta ice cream store without stopping. It works all the time.

[Mr_Anderson]

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

[ZWarrior]

My version:

 Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday for the Red Sox."

"Noooo, not the Red Sox, anything but that!"

[ZWarrior]

A teacher went into her classroom about fifteen minutes before the class was supposed to begin and caught a bunch of boys in a huddle on their knees in the corner of the room.

She demanded of them what they were doing.

One of them reported back, "We are shooting craps."

Relieved, the teacher replied, "Oh. That's all right. I was afraid you were praying."

[Mr_Anderson]

Originally posted by ZWarrior

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday for the Red Sox."

"Noooo, not the Red Sox, anything but that!"

Hey, what do you have against the Red Sox??

.... Oh wait, I don't like them either!

[Mr_Anderson]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?''

''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''

[ZWarrior]

Do these differences in perspective seem to apply to your work life?

When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being strong-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

[ZWarrior]

One company sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars for the employees during lunchtime.

These deal with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, the attending employees are supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

One week, this flier was circulated:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR: WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE? (Get your manager's permission before attending)

[ZWarrior]

One day a man walked into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract a wisdom tooth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head.

"If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

[Mr_Anderson]

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. ''Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?'' a tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, ''Nope.'' As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, ''I thought you said your dog didn't bite!'' The old man muttered, ''Ain't my dog.''

[ZWarrior]

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

[Mr_Anderson]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[ZWarrior]

While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.

"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.

"Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."  

[Mr_Anderson]

10 Reasons You Know You Bought a Bad Computer   

1. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
4. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
5. The "quick reference" manual is 520 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

[ZWarrior]

Many a small church has been built with the restroom behind the pulpit. Often there is an outside door as well as an inside door to access the room.

In just such a church one fine Sunday morning, the pastor was waxing eloquent on Revelations 3:20.

With great pathos he exclaimed that the Lord is standing at the door of your heart and crying, "Let Me in. Let Me in!"

He walked over to the aforementioned door just off the pulpit. He knocked on the door and again reminded us that God was at our heart's door crying "Let Me in. Let Me in!"

Through the door a muffled cry came wafting out, "Just a minute."

[Mr_Anderson]

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.

"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote control door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think that store would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I said, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries? It's a long walk."

[ZWarrior]

Here are some possible signs that you are getting too old to drive:

You think an SUV might be too small to be safe

It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car

When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something

It scares you to drive the speed limit

You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep

You use cruise control at 25 mph

You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.

Your turn signal has been on since 2003

Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower

[Mr_Anderson]

Windows 95: 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.