Tickle Our Funny Bones

[ZWarrior]

A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation.

"It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "That heaven doesn't interest them." Then he added, "And it's so hot here in the summer that hades doesn't scare them!"

[Mr_Anderson]

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

[Edited on 8-19-2005 by Mr_Anderson]

[opiesilver]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.  She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

"Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have gotten out today."

[ZWarrior]

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

[ZWarrior]

Today's pun: "Old electricians never die, they just get discharged."

[Mr_Anderson]

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish.

The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.

The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?"

And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"

[ZWarrior]

A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results. Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill.

Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered. After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallow the pill, and sat down to wait. Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.

"Okay," he said, "Let's drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while."

[Mr_Anderson]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

[ZWarrior]

There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe.

"What do you do for a living?" I said to him.

"Well, I used to be a window washer."

"When did you give it up?"

"Halfway down."

[Mr_Anderson]

I have found this to be the best way to releave stress in class:

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

[Boomslang]

A young nun who worked for a local home healthcare agency was out making  her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a gas gtation just one block away...

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car
 and drive to the station for a fill up.   The attendant regretfully told
her
 that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would  care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and
 walked back to her car.   After looking through her car for something to
 carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking  to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled
it
 with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.  As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street.

 One of them turned to the other and said, "I know that it is said that
Jesus
 turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for  the rest of my life."

[ZWarrior]

One of Jerry's students could not take his college seminar final exam because of a funeral.

"No problem," Jerry told him. "Make it up the following week."

That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.

"You'll have to take the test early next week," Jerry insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."

"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he replied.

By now Jerry was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" he asked.

"I don't know any of these people," he said. "I'm the only gravedigger in town."

[Mr_Anderson]

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I'm going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

[ZWarrior]

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "r" and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.

To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home. "Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare."

In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.

The boy nervously eyed his classmates, many of them already laughing at him, before he began.

"Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough."

[Mr_Anderson]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

[ZWarrior]

Two cockroaches decided to visit their favorite restaurant.

While the larger of the two was enjoying his meal, the smaller one said, "You wouldn't believe the house I just left. It was spotless. The lady had to be a cleanaholic. Everything was immaculate--the sink, the counter, the floors. You couldn't find a crumb anywhere."

The other cockroach stopped his munching, looked with some annoyance at his companion, and said, "Do you have to talk like that while I'm eating?"

[Mr_Anderson]

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.  After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious!  I could never shoot my wife!"   "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

    So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.  "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened.  The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.  "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.  I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.   "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test.  Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots.  Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls.  This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks.  I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

[ZWarrior]

A hawk sat atop a church because it was a bird of pray.

[ZWarrior]

A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this question.

Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."

[JollyRoger]

*Sighs*



Todays joke of the Day is, "My English Comp. Class".

[Mr_Anderson]

These three men were stranded on an island: a Nefoundlander, a Cape Bretoner and a Quebecian. The three searched the island to try to find a way off when the Nefoundlander came upon a lamp with a genie. The genie poped up and said, “I will grant three wishes, so that's one for each of you.” So the Newfoundlander goes, “Well I wish I was back in Newfoundland.” So puff, he was sent to Newfoundland.
Then the Quebecian jumps up and says me next me next, I know exactly want I want. TheQuebecian says, “I would like to build a wall. I want this wall to be 1000 feet high and I want it to surround Quebec, so that nothing can get in and nothing can get out, and I want to be in Quebec.” So the genie says okay and builds the wall, and now Quebec is officially separate from the rest of Canada and the Quebecian is back there.
So now the Cape Bretoner gets up and says, “Tell me more about this wall.” So the genie tells him, “This wall is 1000 feet high and surrounds Quebec and noting can pass in or out of Quebec.”
So the Cape Bretoner says, “Okay. Fill it with water.”

[ZWarrior]

A patient was making his first visit to the doctor.

"And whom," began the physician with utmost dignity, "Did you consult about your illness before you came to me?"

"Only the druggist down at the corner," replied the patient.

The doctor could not conceal his contempt for the medical advice of the great "unwashed," who are not qualified to practice medicine.

"And what sort of ridiculous advice did that fool give you?"

"He told me," replied the patient innocently, "to come and see you."

[Mr_Anderson]

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.
Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."
Not to be outdone, Britney ripped a $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."
Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

[ZWarrior]

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's last will and testament.

"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."

[ZWarrior]

I was interning at a local ISP and every once in a while got to take a tech support call. I probably only took about five at the most. Here's the best one.

    * Tech Support: "Tech support."
    * Customer: "Yeah, every time I get on the Internet and leave my computer, I get disconnected."
    * Tech Support: "How long are you away from your computer?"
    * Customer: "About 10-20 minutes."
    * Tech Support: "Sir, if you're idle for more than 15 minutes, we disconnect you."
    * Customer: "Well don't disconnect me!"
    * Tech Support: "It's not us, sir -- it's the servers, they do it automatically."
    * Customer: "Change it, then."
    * Tech Support: "I can't."
    * Customer: "Yes you can!"
    * Tech Support: "Sir, I'm not allowed to."
    * Customer: "I pay for this service, and dammit, you're going to change it!"
    * Tech Support: "Sir, I'm not allowed to change it. Bottom line."
    * Customer: "And why not!?"
    * Tech Support: "Because I'm not the administrator."
    * Customer: "Well tell him to change it!"
    * Tech Support: "I can't do that either. The administrator hates me."
    * Customer: "Why?"
    * Tech Support: "Because I won our last Nerf tournament."
    * Customer: "Nerf tournament?! I pay you guys to play with toys?"
    * Tech Support: "We do it in our spare time."
    * Customer: "I want to talk to your supervisor!"
    * Tech Support: "Sorry, but my supervisor is the administrator, and he's busy."
    * Customer: "Well, I'm going to rat you out about your little Nerf gun secret!"
    * Tech Support: "Tell the owner -- it'll give him more of a reason to come down here to play with us."

He hung up.