Tickle Our Funny Bones

[Mr_Anderson]

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

[ZWarrior]

Sally had given her daughter, who was 15 at the time, a drivers manual. On the way to town one day, she was coaching her as she drove, and told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver's permit.

"Oh, she said, "I already know everything in the book."

"You do?" Sally returned.

"Yep", she said, very smugly.

Sally thought, "OK, I'll give her a hard one." So she asked her, "How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?"

"One," she replied.

"What?" Sally asked, horrified at the big miss. "One?!"

Because of the confused look on Sally's face, her daughter added, "One, Mom. You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one."

[ZWarrior]

Celebrity takes on the ever plagueing question, why did the chicken cross
the road?

George W. Bush
I believe the question is not Why did the chicken cross the road?" but
"What was the chicken running away from on the side of the road he was
on." And the answer? Access of Evil was affiliated with this exact
chicken!

Bob Dole:
Bob Dole says, "To get to the other side."

Bill Gates:
We built the road. We built the chicken. Mind your own darn buisness!

Sir Isaac Newton:
Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, while chickens in motion tend to
cross the road.

Plato
For a greater good.

Karl Marx
It's Historically inevitable.

Captain James T. Kirk
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Albert Einstien
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken
depends apon your frame of reference.

Douglas Adams
Forty-two.

Ernest Hemmingway
To die. In the rain.

Saddam Hussein
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Bob Dylan
How many roads must a chicken cross?

Colonel Sanders
I missed one?

Dilbert
I hate it when the title gives away the plot!

WebChicken
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Hamlet
Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of
outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea of on coming
vehicles...

Florida Voter
The chickens were clearly confused as to where the dotted yellow line was
leading. The only other option was to cross the line, so they did.

Richard M. Nixon
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross
the road.

Fox Mulder
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have
to cross the road before you believe it?

Gilligan
The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for
the plumage of its peerless tail - the chicken would be lost. The chicken
would be lost!

Scully
It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.

Jerry Seinfield
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to
ask, 'What the heck was this chicken doing walking all over the place
anyway?

Mr. T
If you saw me coming, you'd cross the road too!

Dr. Seuss
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've not been told!

Mark Twain
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Robert Frost
To reach the sidewalk less travelled by.

William Shakespeare
I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy
without much ado

George Orwell
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing
the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their
interests.

L.A. Police Department
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Grandpa
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Ralph Waldo Emerson
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Groucho Marx
Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who
thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the
eggs.

Emily Dickinson
Because it could not wait for death

Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was
much rejoicing.

New York Chicken:
Hey! I'm walkin' here!

Bill Clinton:
This administration will do everything within its power to provide free
access to ALL chickens on ALL our nations roads, at ANY cost.

Jewish Chicken:
Vaat? The pig crosses the road and no one notices. But I cross the road
and now it's a Federal case already?!

Jack Nicholson
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Freud
The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your
underlying sexual insecurity.

Darwin
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such
a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Immanuel Kant
The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own
free will.

THERMODYNAMIST
Because the pressure of chickens was greater on this side of the road, and
the chicken's crossing made the entropy greater.

[Mr_Anderson]

Signs That You're A Drunk   

    1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

    2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

    4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

    5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

    6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

    7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

    8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.

    9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

    10. You fall off the floor

    11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

    12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

    13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive

    14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!

    15. Roseanne looks good

    16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

    17. That dang pink elephant followed me home again.

    18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

    19. You've fallen and can't get up.

    20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

[Edited on 6-29-2005 by ZWarrior]

[ZWarrior]

Way back in 1860, eleven states seceded from the Union.

Not being a history buff, I don't remember the names of these states. But I do remember that there was an additional twelfth state that desperately desired to secede.

But the governor of that state wasn't real swift, if you know what I mean. You might say he was one sandwich short of a picnic! But he had a good heart. In his state of mind he felt he had the best interest of his state in mind. He firmly believed in what he was doing.

The truth is, he didn't know much about secession. He just knew that he wanted out.

Bad.

So, first he decided to hold a vote of the people, to see where they stood. Well, the count came in and it was discovered that more than half of the people did NOT want to secede from the Union.

He decided not to pay any attention to this because he felt the right thing to do would be to secede. After all, he was the governor and he knew what was best for the people.

But his dilemma was, "How can we secede when the people don't want to?"

Feeling a bit guilty, but sure that he was doing the right thing, he wrote a letter to the Union, announcing his decision to secede.

Only he must have put the wrong address on it because the letter was returned to him with a little message on the envelope, "Return to sender, nobody here by that name."

Still undaunted, he decided to send a special messenger to the Union, to personally deliver the message that he wanted to secede.

But alas, the horse that the messenger was riding tripped, throwing him to the ground and breaking his leg -- he never made it to the Union  headquarters.

Finally, in desperation, he decided to go himself.

But while en route, some outlaws attacked him, stole all of his money, his letter, and his horse.

He was forced to walk back to his state, which took many weeks.

Quite discouraged at this point, he called his fellow statesmen together and poured out his troubles to them. He beseeched them for advice.

And in unison, they replied, "If at first you don't secede, try, try again!"

[Mr_Anderson]

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU IDIOT -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

[Edited on 6-30-2005 by ZWarrior]

[ZWarrior]

A man walks into a doctor's office and asks the doctor to inspect his leg. The man says, "Here, put your ear to my knee."

The doctor puts his ear to the man's knee and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have five bucks, just five bucks?"

The doctor steps back in horror, and the man says, "I know, but it gets worse. Put your ear to my shin." The doctor puts his ear to the man's shin and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have ten bucks, just ten bucks?"

Once again, the doctor stands up, very perplexed. The man then says, "If that surprises you, put your ear to my ankle." The doctor puts his ear to the man's ankle and hears oh so faintly, "Come on, can I have twenty bucks, just twenty bucks?"

The doctor then stands up and says, "Well, I can I make just one conclusion. Your leg is broke in three places."

[Mr_Anderson]

Beer for Geeks   
spacer
    DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

MAC Beer: At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the wastebin.

Windows 95 Beer: The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.  (*Note: This was true for the original Windows Beer, but not for Windows 95 Beer.  The license for DOS Beer is included with Windows 95 Beer.*)    Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

Windows 98 Beer: See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes you crash less.

Windows 2000 Beer: A new beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but tastes like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look like Windows 2000 Beer's, after Windows 2000 Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years...

AmigaOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. it originally came in a 16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colourful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

[Edited on 7-2-2005 by ZWarrior]

[ZWarrior]

A group of cannibals are hired as programmers.

Their manager told them, "You are doing good work, but please, don't touch your colleagues and eat them. We have a canteen, you may eat there."

"Ok", the cannibals promised.

After six weeks, the manager spoke to them again; "Ok we are satisfied with your work and everything, and you are behaving very well. By the way, we are missing a cleaning woman, has somebody touched her?"

The cannibals denied having broken their promise.

After he left, the chief of the cannibals asks "Who is the idiot who ate that cleaning women?"

One of the cannibals admitted that he did.

"Are you out of your mind? For six weeks now have been eating VP's and Senior managers and nobody took notice. How can you be so stupid as to eat a working person?!?"

[Mr_Anderson]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one night. Tonto, after having a very bad dream, woke up to see the stars up above him. He woke the Lone Ranger and said to him, "What you think?" The Lone Ranger replies reassuringly, "Well, Tonto, it's like this, God gives us miracles in life. Each day is a new beginning, just like every night there's a new star in the sky. What do you think?" Tonto looks at him, confused and says, "Tonto thinks someone stole tento."

[Mr_Anderson]

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator   
spacer
    1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

[ZWarrior]

A woman came to her doctor in a panic.

"Doctor! All day long my daughter eats yeast and car wax, and won't get out of bed. What will happen to her?"

"Don't worry." said the Doctor, "Eventually, she will rise and shine!"

[Mr_Anderson]

There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula One racing driver. He went along to the track and asked if he could drive. The racing team manager said, “Yes, but you can't have a number on your car, you can only have an 'S' because you are a snail.”

The Snail was okay with this is so he entered the race. The race started and the snail's car was at the back...but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars and won!!

As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled “WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!”

[ZWarrior]

Being rather bald, Mr. Jones comforted himself on a visit to the hairdresser with the saying, "Grass doesn't grow on a busy street."

However, he was not prepared for the returning joke from the barber.

"Yes, and we always say there's no sense in putting a roof on an empty barn."

[Mr_Anderson]

People Really Said These Things In Court   

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

[Edited on 7-12-2005 by Mr_Anderson]

[ZWarrior]

The safe was invented by a cop and a robber. It was quite a combination.

[Mr_Anderson]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[ZWarrior]

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Bill was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Bill's wages to pay for the repairs.

"How much will it cost?" asked Bill.

"About $4,500," said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Bill. "I've finally got job security!"

[Mr_Anderson]

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

    "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

    "What sort of trouble?"

    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

    "Went away?"

    "They disappeared."

    "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

    "Nothing."

    "Nothing?"

    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

    "How do I tell?"

    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

    "What's a sea-prompt?"

    "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

    "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

    "What's a monitor?"

    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

    "I don't know."

    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

    "Yes, I think so."

    "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

    ".......Yes, it is."

    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

    "No."

    "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

    ".......Okay, here it is."

    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

    "I can't reach."

    "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

    "No."

    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

    "Dark?"

    "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in  from the window."

    "Well, turn on the office light then."

    "I can't."

    "No? Why not?"

    "Because there's a power outage."

    "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

    "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

    "Really? Is it that bad?"

    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

    "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

    "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."


*****************************************************
** Just to stop the "True Story" stuff before it continues any further:  **
** http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/wordperf.htm **
** -- ZWarrior **

[Edited on 7-14-2005 by ZWarrior]

[ZWarrior]

Here's a list of ten possible things that could have been said on Noah's Ark:

10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"

9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"

8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"

7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"

6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"

5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"

4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"

3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."

2. "Nice Doggie!"

1. "Are We There Yet?"

[ZWarrior]

As an instructor in driver education at a local High School, Kyle learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day Kyle had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, Kyle asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car?

[Mr_Anderson]

Clinton: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
Clinton: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
Clinton: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
Clinton: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
Clinton: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
Clinton: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
Clinton: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
Clinton: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
Clinton: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
Clinton: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
Clinton: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Clinton: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
Clinton: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Clinton: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
Clinton: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Clinton: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
Clinton: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
Clinton: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
Clinton: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
Clinton: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
Clinton: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
Clinton: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
Clinton: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
Clinton: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
Clinton: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
Clinton: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
Clinton: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[ZWarrior]

A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot.

He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50. The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.

When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"

The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

[Mr_Anderson]

It's a little late, but still we should go over some New Years Resolutions to make sure that they will be done this year.
    
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less. Makes you think.

4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.

7. Get in a whole NEW rut!

8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.

9. Don't eat cloned meat.

10. Create loose ends.

11. Get more toys.

12. Get further in debt.

13. Don't believe politicians.

14. Break at least one traffic law.

15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.

17. Associate with even worse business clients.

18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.

19. Wait around for opportunity.

20. Focus on the faults of others.

21. Mope about faults.

22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

[ZWarrior]

Having moved into his first apartment, George and Georgette’s son invited them over for a visit.

As they walked in, their son asked if they'd like a cold drink.

Mentally patting herself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, Georgette said, "Yes, what do you have?"

Her son walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and then replied, "I have pickle juice or water."