Tickle Our Funny Bones

[JollyRoger]

A women was waiting at the bus stop for her bus with her purse in one hand and a baby carrige in the other. After ten minutes the bus finaly showed up, the driver opens up the doors and she boards. With a shreek the bus drive says, "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!" The women insauted starts to walk to the back of the bus only getting madder and madder. She finds an open seat and  sits down next to a man. She starts to grumble under her breath some insualts of her own about the bus driver. The man next to her in concern asked "whats wrong?" She replied "The bus driver insaulted me" The man said "you should go tell him off" the women thought for a minute and said "I will." the man said "go, go do it he has no right to insault you." The woman said, "I will right now!" the man said, "Go, I keep an eye on your monkey."

[ZWarrior]

A mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should do something 'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" the mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," the mother said as they arrived at the bank, "So you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.'

After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'

[Mr_Anderson]

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half" .... You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five!

That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens .... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!!

But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.

What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ..... and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday .... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas .... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards .... I was JUST 92 ...

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again .... "I'm 100 and a half!!!!"

[ZWarrior]

A woman went to doctors' office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

[Mr_Anderson]

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised her hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[ZWarrior]

Here's some funny answering machine messages for you to enjoy!

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.

Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

"Hello, you have reached an office that thought it was so smart getting all it's employees cordless phones. The person you are trying to reach is here right now, staring at me as I answer this call and searching desperately for their cordless phone in the mess on their desk. It won't matter if they find it since they didn't leave it on the charger last night and the battery is dead. So you might as well leave a message with me and I'll have them call you after the 4 hour handset recharge period is completed."

[Mr_Anderson]

Ten Easy Steps to Better Banjo Playing the Doc Stock Banjo Method (Or: Any Jerk Can Play the Banjo, So Why Not You Too?) by Jim Rosenstock

Lesson 1: beat it! The most common mistake of the beginning banjo player is to play too gently. True, musical instruments require great care and special handling, but banjos should not be confused with these. There are three basic licks that are used in playing the banjo: the hit (abbreviated "h" in tablature), the harder hit ("H") and the beat ("B"). Learn these licks, and soon you'll be able to play anything! Remember - Hit 'em again, HARDER, HARDER!

Lesson 2: Stage Presence a dignified stage presence will do more than anything else to create the impression that you are a serious, professional musician. This is to be avoided at all costs - you have a reputation to maintain, after all! While playing on stage, you should: (1) slouch, (2) drool, (3) pick nose, (4) bump fiddler, (5) cross eyes, (6) pour beer on self, and/or (7) stare off into space. The more you can do at once, the better.

Lesson 3: Tuning your banjo Musicians make a very big deal about "getting in tune." Fortunately, you're a banjo player, and therefore need not be so hung up. There are three basic ways to tune a banjo: 1) With a tuning fork: Tap the fork on a hard surface. Listen to the clear bell-like tone. Make sure none of your strings duplicate this tone. 2) With an electric tuner: Tap the tuner on a hard surface. Continue as with method (1). 3) With a fiddle: Tap the fiddle on a hard surface. Continue as above.

Lesson 4: Tunes and Tablature It's a well-kept secret that there are really only four tunes in old-time music: the G tune, the A tune, the D tune and the C tune. It's an even better-kept secret that these four tunes sound exactly the same. Tablature is a simplified form of musical notation used by musicians to preserve music on paper. AVOID ALL TABLATURE - you will get nowhere as a banjo player by imitating musicians.

Lesson 5: Drugs, FastFret (TM), pizza, strawberry pie and banjo playing Just say, "Why not?"

Lesson 6: Playing with musicians is always scary for the beginning banjo player. You should not be intimidated, though, because musicians like to have a banjo player of two around. Even the most mediocre group of musicians will sound great by contrast when a banjo player is added. So get in there and start jamming.

Lesson 7: Banjo paraphernalia A capo allows the banjo player, once out of tune in one key, to quickly be out of tune in any other key. A case protects your banjo from abuse, except when it is being played. This is really unimportant, but where else can you put all your cool bumper stickers? A dog will follow a banjo player around and keep everyone uncertain as to which is responsible for the odor. Beer is the experienced banjo player's favorite liquid to spill on the dance floor, dancers, and/or musicians. Sometimes it is filtered through the kidneys first.

Lesson 8: Name that tune As mentioned previously, there are only four tunes and they all sound the same. It is definitely uncool, however, to let on in public that you know this, so here's a list of titles for The Tune: Turkey in the Straw, Bug in the Taters, Paddy on the Turnpike, Fire on the Mountain, Billy in the Lowground, Drugs in the Urine Sample, Christ on a Crutch, Monkey in the Dog Cart, Logs in the Bedpan, Ducks in the Millpond, Pigeon on a Gate Post, Water on the Knee.

Lesson 9: Three myths dispelled:

Myth No. 1: It takes hard work and talent to play the banjo. Fact: The only talent most banjo players have is a talent for avoiding hard work.

Myth No. 2: You can make good money playing the banjo. Fact: People will frequently pay you much better money to stop.
Myth No. 3: Your banjo will make you friends wherever you go. Fact: This is only true if you never go anywhere.

 Lesson 10: The Universal Banjo Tune ----H----B---h---B----------H-------B---B-H-------- --h---H--B---------B--------H---H---B-H-B---H------ ---------B-----h-----B------H-B---------B-----H---- -----------h-----------h----------h---------------- ------------------------------------------------B-- h=hit it! H=hit it harder! B=beat it!

[ZWarrior]

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

[Mr_Anderson]

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the husband would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the husband's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

[ZWarrior]

When I discovered my first gray hair I immediately wrote to my parents:

"Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience this with me too."

I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.

My father's response was in the form of a poem:

It's a trustworthy observation That nothing can compare In the process of aging With finding the first gray hair.

He signed off with this observation:

"That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!"

[ZWarrior]

Hah, I found my video for your banjo post!!

http://www.ambushsite.com/files/misc/UT2k3-Duelingbanjos-2.avi

[Edited on 5-18-2005 by ZWarrior]

[Mr_Anderson]

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

[ZWarrior]

One day a professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask a question.

"Why do we have to study this stuff?"

"To save lives," the professor responded and continued with the lecture.

A few minutes later the same student spoke again.

"How does physics save lives?"

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

[Mr_Anderson]

Here is a list of renamed Windows errors to help define your problems.

Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything
Winerr 001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly
Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)
Winerr 003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?
Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error
Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename
Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash
Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited
Winerr 008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy
Winerr 009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
Winerr 00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
Winerr 00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement
Winerr 00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
Winerr 00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found
Winerr 00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize
Winerr 00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors
Winerr 010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead
Winerr 011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN
Winerr 012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated
Winerr 013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down
Winerr 014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue
Winerr 015 - Error Message Deleted
Winerr 016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence
Winerr 017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
Winerr 018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations
Winerr 019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue
Winerr 01A - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted
Winerr 01B - Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted
Winerr 01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.
Winerr 01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota
Winerr 01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here
Winerr 01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait....
Winerr 020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember
Winerr 021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error
Winerr 022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything

[ZWarrior]

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.

"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before." Then he explained, "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!"

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

[Mr_Anderson]

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."

"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could youdescribe him? What does he look like?"

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like*before* you hit him?"

At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"

[ZWarrior]

A man gets himself convicted of a crime, and is consequently sent to prison. All goes reasonably well for him the first day.

However, after the lights are turned out he is lying on his cot trying to go to sleep, when all of a sudden he hears someone yell out at the top of his lungs, "FOURTEEN" and then all the inmates in the block break out in laughter.

After a few minutes he hears this again only this time someone yells "ELEVEN" and everyone laughs again. The new guy is really confused now so he asks the inmate in the next cell about what is going on.

The neighbor tells him that what they are doing is telling jokes.

"I still don't understand that, all I hear is numbers being yelled out."

"Yeah, that's how they tell them. You see, we've heard just about every joke there is, so instead of going through the whole thing we just number them and everyone knows which ones they are just by the number." "Oh," the new guy said. "Now I get it."

A few minutes of silence goes by when all of a sudden someone yells out "SEVENTEEN" and nothing happens, not even a snicker.

The new guy asks the old inmate, "What happened there?"

"Well, you know how it is. Some guys can tell jokes and some can't."

[ZWarrior]

As chaplain in a university residence hall, Jack is supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. However, that rule changed when a kitten adopted him.

The freshmen in my dorm kept Jack's secret. They covered for him by calling his kitten "the Book," since he had so many in his room.

One morning as he was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier a student stopped him and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?"

Jack explained that he was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," he told the student.

"Hmmm," the student responded. "No sequels."

[Mr_Anderson]

Computer users are divided into three types:

Novice, Intermediate and Expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers.

[ZWarrior]

The "debt clock" is back.

The late New York developer Seymour Durst erected the clock -- actually a billboard -- in midtown Manhattan in 1989 to track the total level of federal debt as well as "your family's share." It went dark in 2000, as the debt was decreasing, but the recent deficits have inspired Durst's son Douglas to restart it.

Back in the early 1990s, we used to walk past the debt clock every day on our way to work. The first time we saw the it, we got a little worried. As we walked past it every day, and saw both the total and our family's share gradually increasing, we thought more and more about the national debt and what a terrible problem it was.

It got to the point where we'd get anxious before we even got to Sixth Avenue, where the clock was. When we actually saw the debt clock, our heart started racing and we started breathing heavily. We realized we were having a full-blown panic attack every day when we saw the debt clock.

Finally we went to see a psychiatrist and explained our problem: We were obsessed with the fact that our government spends more money than it takes in.

He diagnosed us as suffering from -- you guessed it -- deficit attention disorder.

[Mr_Anderson]

A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"

"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."

"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"

"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"

[ZWarrior]

The Centre for Disease Control looked more like a tumor
on the landscape than the architectural and scientific marvel it
really was. The vast complex had spread unchecked over the years to
the point where it threatened to devour its neighbors.

Inside, white-robed scientific types squinted into
microscopes, sat hunched over rectangles of stained glass the size of
a Tahitian postage stamp and squirted colored liquids into test tubes.

They were searching for a mysterious virus which had
appeared just weeks before and was responsible for an outbreak of
tiny, running sores that had broken out on the lips of everybody who
had eaten at Norway Knute's Diner on the evening of June 5th. At
first, it was thought to be a form of food poisoning, but closer
examination revealed that an unidentified virus was responsible for
those sore lips.

For his part, Knute was extremely upset that his well-
respected establishment would be associated with this type of thing.
It was not the kind of advertising he had in mind.

After some preliminary investigation, it was determined
that the virus appeared to be a mutated form of the dreaded
Disgusticus Lipposaurus B virus which had been responsible for wiping
out an entire Japanese village in 1983. They were working around the
clock to try to check the spread of this highly contagious mutant.

Six weeks after the initial outbreak, one of the
researchers just happened to notice that the mutations of the HLB, or
'Diner' Virus as they called it, were slowing down and a definite
pattern was emerging. From there, it became a relatively easy task to
predict what form the virus would take next and therefore, to halt
its progress. In short, they found a cure. The HLB Virus would be no
more.

In recognition of her discovery, the young researcher was
presented with a number of awards and prizes, was written up in all
the better scientific journals and spent the better part of a year on
the talk show circuit describing her role in the extinction of the
Diner Sores

[Mr_Anderson]

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

[ZWarrior]

When his auto mechanic came in for an operation, the doctor couldn't help but take the opportunity to turn the tables on him.

"Well Mr. Mechanic," the doctor said, "It's going to take at least five days for the parts to get in. As for the cost, there's no way to tell until we get in there and see exactly what the problem is."

[Mr_Anderson]

All objects in the world can be placed into one of two categories:

- things that need to be fixed,
- things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.