Tickle Our Funny Bones

[ZWarrior]

“The diet industry enjoys a heavy bottom line.”

[ZWarrior]

“5000 hares have escaped from the zoo. The police are combing the area.”

[ZWarrior]

“When my friend started to go bald, I tried not to laugh, but he looked hair-larious.”

[ZWarrior]

Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. When her Aunt asked how she was going to spend it, she replied by saying, "I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God."

"He'll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual."

[ZWarrior]

“Tires cost 100 bucks a pop.”

[ZWarrior]

A Sunday School Teacher asked her class to write notes to God. Here are some of the notes that were turned in...

Dear God: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool!

Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have?

Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.

Dear God: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.

Dear God: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them.

Dear God: In Sunday school they told us what You do. Who does it when You're on vacation?

Dear God: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?

Dear God: Did You mean for the Giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Dear God: Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear God: Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you? Because if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.

Dear God: Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Dear God: I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

Dear God: You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.

Dear God: I think about You sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

Dear God: Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.

Dear God: My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?

Dear God: I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.

Dear God: We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea.

[ZWarrior]

The police recently busted a man selling 'secret formula' tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.

[ZWarrior]

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions: a time keeper, and a payroll officer. They then hired two more people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

And that's how government works.

[ZWarrior]

My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act.

He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front, near the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run away.

After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than nine items."

[ZWarrior]

“I just offered someone a job and they accepted, so I offered him my contractulations.”

[ZWarrior]

It seems that a Frenchman, an Englishman and an American were captured by cannibals. The chief explained that they were going to be killed, skinned, eaten and that a canoe would be made from their tanned hides. BUT they could have one last wish.

So the Frenchman wanted a last cigarette. As soon as he was done with it, they killed him, they skinned him, they cooked him and ate him and they made a canoe from his hide.

The Englishman wanted a last cuppa tea. As soon as he was done with it, they killed him, they skinned him, they cooked him and ate him and they made a canoe from his hide.

Then they camne to the American. "I want a fork," he said.

Incredulous, they asked "A fork? Like you eat with?"

"Yes, a fork," he insisted. So they brought him a fork.

As soon as he received the fork, he started wildly stabbing himself all over his body.

"Canoe?" he shouted, "Here's your freaking canoe!"

[ZWarrior]

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for that he kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally, after she couldn't take it any longer, she told him, "Listen, Tom it means absolutely nothing. They even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" Tom replied. Not sure if this was true or not, he decided to call the grocery store.

When the clerk answered the phone Tom said, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen?"

[ZWarrior]

I just discovered a definition of a well adjusted person that I think may benefit you greatly in your life. It goes something like this...

"A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous."

[ZWarrior]

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up and became a policeman. Several months later a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," the former salesman replied, "The pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

[ZWarrior]

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

[ZWarrior]

A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.

Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it. When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to, "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!"

[ZWarrior]

During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., Henry's squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through they realized they had lost their map.

In response to this news the patrol navigator said, "Our odds are 1 in 360 that we'll get out of here."

"How did you come up with that?" someone asked.

"Well," he replied. "At least one of the degrees on the compass has to be right.

[ZWarrior]

Tiring of the inconvenience of the drive from the airport to his country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage.

On his next trip he made his approach down the airport runway as usual. Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here without wheels!"

The startled man abruptly yanked the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster. Continuing, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat there, visibly shaken, he said to his wife, "I don't know what got into me. That's the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life!"

And with that, he opened the door and stepped out, falling into the water.

[ZWarrior]

A guy had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single fish. On his way home he decided to stop at the supermarket and order four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"Why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

[ZWarrior]

It just may be that you need a new car when...

-You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.

-You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.

-You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.

-The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."

-You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.

-The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.

[ZWarrior]

Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.

"I'm so tough", said the first boy, "That I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week."

"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day."

"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in an hour."

[ZWarrior]

This list has come across my path... I don't know of it's accuracy, but it sure has some interesting (and humorous) info:

Did you know?

-Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

-Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

-Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

-Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

-It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

-Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

-It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

-The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

-A snail can sleep for three years.

-No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

-Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

-Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

-The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

-All polar bears are left-handed.

-An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

-TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

-"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

-A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

-The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

-Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

-Almost everyone who reads this post will try to lick their elbow.
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You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?

[Edited on 3-13-2007 by ZWarrior]

[ZWarrior]

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"

[ZWarrior]

Macy's busy mother sometimes accidentally leaves pots and pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?"

When Macy's sister came back from college she noticed her Mother's sign. Beneath it she taped her reply...

"No -- DOOR! Trust me. I went to college."

[ZWarrior]

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,

The CAT

{This one was for Snauz and his new cat... Sassy.  May the furball rule his life as only a furball can. }