Tickle Our Funny Bones

[ZWarrior]

Joey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall. Before each student left, the fire chief gave them a quiz to test their understanding.

The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"

Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."

[ZWarrior]

While waiting for his first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, Gary noticed the dentists' certificate, which bore the doctor's full name. Suddenly, Gary remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in his high school class some 45 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, Gary quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been a classmate.

After the dentist had finished the examination, Gary finally mustered the courage to ask him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?"

"In 1952."

"Why, you were in my class!" Gary exclaimed.

The dentist looked at Gary closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

[ZWarrior]

It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order.

As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.

"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer, "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"

[ZWarrior]

At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his whole series of injections, asked for a glass of water.

"What's the matter, Mate?" asked the sick bay attendant. "Do you feel light-headed?"

"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."

[ZWarrior]

The adult Sunday school class was discussing formal and informal prayer, when one man remarked, "I do some of my best praying while I'm driving."

In a quiet voice, the man's wife agreed, "I, too, do my best praying while you're driving."

[ZWarrior]

Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, bachelor John declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice.

But after eating his first bowl, he told his married sister, "I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough."

"Well," she asked, "how long did you cook it?"

"You're supposed to cook it?"

[ZWarrior]

In his job with a credit union, John often runs across accounts that are protected by password. The credit-union member, when withdrawing funds, must produce identification and then give the password to the teller.

Recently, when John asked a woman for her password, she sighed, rolled her eyes and replied, "Save."

John was puzzled at this response until the customer explained.

"My husband put in that password so I'd have to say it every time I make a withdrawal."

[Boomslang]

Cough Syrup
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy
leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde
clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the
wall?"The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in
here this morning to get something for his cough. I
couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire
bottle of laxative."The pharmacist yells, "You idiot!
You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"The blonde
clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's
afraid to cough.

[ZWarrior]

From Curium:

"windows is a 32 bit patch to a 16 bit GUI based on a 8 bit operating system, written for a 4 bit processor by a 2 bit company which can not stand 1 bit of competition"

[ZWarrior]

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

"Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

[ZWarrior]

Wolvy came home from a hard eighteen-hole golf match with some of his clanmates.

Ms. Wolvy greeted him and said, "Well, honey, did you win the game today?"

"Well," he said, "let's put it this way. I got to hit the ball more times than anyone else."

** Just HAD to make that adjustment. **

[ZWarrior]

"Peter!" his mother shouted, preparing to give him a big scolding.

"There were two cookies in the pantry this morning but now there's only one! Do you have an explanation?"

Peter replied, "It must have been too dark and I didn't see the other one."

[ZWarrior]

In honor of the latest installment of Pirates of the Carribean I have several jokes:

Q: What did the pirate like most about his salad?
A:  The ARRRRtichokes!

******
Cap'n: Arrr, where are me buccaneers?
First Mate: On the side of yer buccen head!

******
Then there was the guy who flunked out of pirate school....

He couldn't pass the three ARRRs!

******
Two kids saw a pirate walking down the pier with a Steering wheel attached to his belt buckle.

They asked him what the wheel was for, "Arrr! It's driving me nuts!" he responded.

Confused by this response they asked where his buccaneers were, "Why they be under my Buckin Hat!", the pirate snarled.

Beware pirates on the pier, for they are full of rum and smart-ass responses!

*******
Q:  What's a pirate's favorite noble gas?
A:  ARRRRRRgon!

*******
Q: How much does a pirate pay for his earrings
A: Buck an ear!  Arrr!

[ZWarrior]

Stress is when you wake up screaming... and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

[ZWarrior]

A salesman is driving down a country road when he sees a young kid in front of a barn. On the barn are 5 targets with arrows in the bulls eye of each target. Screeching to a stop, he runs out to discover how this kid could shoot so well.

"Son," he says, "how did you hit all those bulls eyes?"

"Well sir," the boy replied, "I take the arrow and lick my fingers like this, then I take my fingers and straiten the feathers like this, take aim with my hand against my cheek, let go and where ever the arrow hits I draw a bulls eye."

[ZWarrior]

After shopping at a busy store, two women happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding their cars in the crowded expanse of the parking lot.

Just then one of the women's car horn beeped, and she was able to locate her vehicle easily.

"Wow," the other woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car."

"Actually," the first women replied, "that's my husband behind the wheel."

[opiesilver]

And the Moral Is....

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next by the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks,. And the moral to this story is, 'don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'"

"That was a fine story Sarah. Joey, do you have a a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Lyn. Aunt Lyn was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

"She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Lyn when she's drinking."

[ZWarrior]

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday.

"I'd like a little brother," the boy said.

"Oh my, that's such a big wish," the mother said. Why do you want a little brother"?

"Well," said the boy, "There's only so much I can blame on my dog."

[Mr_Anderson]

These three friends went on vacation together. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I just watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," He said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

[ZWarrior]

Quasimodo wants to go on vacation, so he gets his clumsy brother to fill in for him at Notre Dame. The brother's first day up in the tower, he loses his footing and falls forward, smacking his forehead against the carillon as he falls to his death. Two priests gather around the fallen corpse; one says "This isn't Quasimodo at all! Who was this man?" Other priest says "I don't know... but his face sure rings a bell."

[ZWarrior]

A person was playing Trivial Pursuit one night with a bunch of friends.

After rolling the dice and landing on "Science & Nature," the question was read.

"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear them?"

The person thought for a long moment, and then finally asked, "Is the vacuum turned on or off?"

[ZWarrior]

On a fine recent evening we were standing in line outside a busy restaurant, waiting our turn to be seated. The harried hostess was checking to find out how many people were in each group.

"Party of two," the woman behind us said to her, "and could we please have Michelle?"

Annoyed looks turned to knowing smiles when she added, "Michelle is my daughter, and just once in my life I want her to wait on me!"

[ZWarrior]

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in Sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

"Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

[Boomslang]

Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

 

I AM a southerner....

 

Any questions?

 

Here is a test that will help you decide. You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities,

praises Allah, raises the knife and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

 

Democrat's Answer:

 

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor? Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!  I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

 

Republican's Answer:

 

BANG!

 

Southerner's Answer:

 

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.....

(Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: Can I shoot the next one!

Wife: You're NOT taking that to the Taxidermist!

[ZWarrior]

I figured that.  I too would be a southerner.