Tickle Our Funny Bones

[ZWarrior]

*that was a repeat. *

The teacher is standing in front of her class, tutoring them about the spread of disease. "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?" she asks.

One pupil raises his hand to reply.

"Don't bite any."

[Mr_Anderson]

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''

The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''

''What about the green one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''

''What about the red one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''

The man says, ''What does HE do?''

The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

[ZWarrior]

A man was driving along a rural road, one day, when he saw a three-legged chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while.

As he was driving, he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. "Pretty fast chicken," he thought, "I wonder just how fast it can run." So, he sped up and the chicken did, too!

They were, now, moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up, again. To his surprise, the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!

Suddenly, the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway, leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard, and dozens of three-legged chickens.

The man in the car called out to the farmer, "How did you get all these three-legged chickens?"

The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya' see, it's me, my wife, and my son living here, and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three-legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."

"That's amazing!" said the driver. "How do they taste?"

"Don't rightly know," said the farmer, "we can't catch 'em."

[Mr_Anderson]

True Story!!

   

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

Unfortunate Domain Names
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Maybe these companies should have thought a little more laterally about their domain names:
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Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous: http://www.whorepresents.com/
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Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: www.expertsexchange.com
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Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:  http://www.penisland.net/
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Need a therapist? Try: www.therapistfinder.com
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And there is an Italian Power-Generation company: www.powergenitalia.com
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Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

[ZWarrior]

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit for driving offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

"Thank you!" said the mother as she got out of the car and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Anytime," her daughter replied.

As the mother closed the door she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

[Mr_Anderson]

Some Redneck Computer Lingo

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

[ZWarrior]

A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."

The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.

"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.

[Mr_Anderson]

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[ZWarrior]

On a recent trip into town I observed a very peculiar thing happening via two city workers. One would dig a hole, walk a few yards, dig another hole, and then walk a few more yards... you get the point.

The second man would come behind the first man and fill the hole that had just been dug, walk a few yards, fill the next hole, and so on. These actions quite puzzled me. Furthermore, these two men were working very hard! One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

Finally I couldn't hold my confusion in any longer-I had to find out what they were doing. "I appreciate how hard you're working," I said to the first man, "But why are you digging a hole when your partner comes behind you and just fills it up again?"

"Oh yeah, I guess it must look pretty funny," the hole digger replied, taking a break to wipe the sweat off his forehead. "But the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

[Mr_Anderson]

A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, "I have some bad news, you only have have about two weeks left to live".

The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, "Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?"

The doctor thinks for a moment. "There is one thing that you could do".

"Just name it, I'll do whatever it is". He tells the man to take alot of mud baths, two or three a day.

The man looks at his doctor asks, "Will that help my condition"?

The doctor says, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."

[ZWarrior]

Here's a take on how some feel the "before" and "after" marriage perspectives change:

Before: You take my breath away After: I feel like I'm suffocating

Before: She says she loves the way I take control After: She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

Before: He makes me feel like a million dollars After: If I had a dime for every clumsy thing he's done...

Before: We agree on everything! After: Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before: Is that all you're having? After: Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before: Nothing is too good for you! After: You spent *how* much??

Before: Ideal After: Idle

Before - Candy hearts and flowers After - Onion rings and antacid

Before: Time stood still After: This relationship is going nowhere

Before: Croissant and cappuccino After: Bagel and instant

Before: Blind After: Nearsighted


** Just a note, this is NOT how I feel. **

[Mr_Anderson]

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."

[ZWarrior]

Have you heard about the four men who were bragging about how smart their dogs were?

One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. The accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. The chemist said his dog could do better still. he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. They all agreed that was brilliant!

[Mr_Anderson]

One day in the middle of the desert a man's car breaks down. He remembers seeing a gas station near by, so he decides to push his car. The man finally gets to the gas station and has the car fixed. Tired, the man asks the mechanic, "Hey, where is the nearest hotel?"

The mechanic replies, "No hotel here, but about 100 miles down the road you'll see there's a room under the cactus there. But what ever you do don't touch the big pink gorilla."

The man drives to the cactus. He opens a door and shuts it behind him, finds another door and shuts it behind him, then he finds a third door and shuts it behind him.

Lo and behold he sees a big pink gorilla in the room. The gorilla is docile and looks so cute and soft he's dying to touch it. He can't help himself. He walks over to the cage and starts trying to touch him through the bars.

As soon as the man lays a finger on him, the big pink gorilla freaks out. He beats his chest and rips his cage door clean off.

The man runs for his life. He opens the first door, slams it behind him. Opens the second door, slams it behind him. The man hear a crash as he opens the third door and slams it behind him.

The man hears a roar. He runs to the car, opens the door and shuts it. He locks all the doors and starts the car, as he sees the big pink gorilla racing towards him.

The big pink gorilla rips the car door off his car.The man thinks he's going to faint.

The gorilla pokes the guy and says, "Tag you're it!"

[ZWarrior]

A fly was buzzing along one morning when he saw a lawn mower someone had left out in their front yard. He flew over and sat on the handle, watching the children going down the sidewalk on their way to school.

One little boy tripped on a crack and fell, spilling his lunch on the sidewalk. He picked himself up, put his lunch back in the bag and went on. But he missed a piece of baloney. The fly had not eaten that morning and he sure was hungry. So he flew down and started eating the bologna. In fact he ate so much that he could not fly, so he waddled across the sidewalk, across the lawn, up the wheel of the lawn mower, up the handle, and sat there resting and watching the children.

There was still some baloney laying there on the sidewalk. He was really stuffed, but that baloney sure did look good.

Finally temptation got the best of him and he jumped off the handle of the lawn mower to fly over to the baloney. But alas he was too full to fly and fell straight to the ground... splat!

The moral of this story is simple... don't fly off the handle when you are full of baloney.

[Mr_Anderson]

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

[ZWarrior]

Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.

Here is an arsenal of statements that may solve this problem:

1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy: "In my opinion," you say as sincerely as you can manage, "you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you."

2. To describe a person who is totally inept: "I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers: "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."

4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled: "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

5. To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."

[Mr_Anderson]

Martin Scorscese is interviewing three action heros for his new movie, they are Arnold Schwarzenneger, Bruce Willis and Sly Stallone. Pitching his movie he says, "This is gonna be an action flick with a twist...all three leads will be famous musical composers."

After some thought all three stars agree it's a new concept for an action flick and decide to get involved. In turn, Scorscese asks each star who they would like to play.

Bruce Willis pipes up first with "I've always wanted to play Mozart..." "Great, great!", enthuses Scorscese, "What about you, Sly?" Stallone thinks awhile and then says,"I've always liked Burt Baccarach's music, I'll be him." "Wonderful, wonderful, Sly", says Scorscese and, turning to Schwarzenneger he says "And how about you, Arnie?" Arnold thinks for a while and after some eye rolling and tutting turns to Scorscese and says.... "I'll be Bach."

[ZWarrior]

I was casting kids at church for our annual Christmas play, and was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager.

One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager." He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents.

Very excited, he said to them, "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"

[ZWarrior]

To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is highly discouraged.

[ZWarrior]

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

[Mr_Anderson]

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"

"I'm from Ireland."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Dublin are you from?"

"The East Side."

"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where on the East Side are you from?"

"McDonagh Street."

"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"

"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

[ZWarrior]

Are you into New Year resolutions?

Here's some New Year Resolutions for Pets

11. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

10. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

9. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

8. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

7. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll kill me!

5. Get a bite in on that monster who gives me that shot every year.

4. Use new living room sofa as scratching post.

3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! (January 2nd--December 31: Re-live victory over the sock)

2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND

[ZWarrior]

A Sunday school teacher was telling her youngsters about Daniel and the Lion's Den. To illustrate the lesson she had a picture of Daniel standing, brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. Suddenly, one little girl started to cry.

The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel."

Snubbing back sobs and tears the girl said, "That's not what I'm crying about. That little lion, over in the corner, isn't going to get anything to eat."