Tickle Our Funny Bones

[ZWarrior]

A pirate captain was on the look out for buried treasure.

After months of hard sailing, his ship caught sight of land, the land to
which his treasure map had been leading.

He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried
treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the
center of the island.

Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and
his first mate bravely entered the swamp.

Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the pirate's feet, then ankles,
and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp.

It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something
hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest.

Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond
imagination!

The Captain turned to his first mate and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just
goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!"

[Mr_Anderson]

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

[ZWarrior]

We've all been passed by motorists on the road going much faster than we were. But you can imagine my shock at recently being passed by a speeding lady going down the middle of the road's dotted line at a truly breakneck speed (at least 100 mph, on only a two lane road)!

The danger she proposed was high, so you can imagine my relief when I passed her later on down the road parked in front of a car with whirling lights. Their conversation went something like this...

"License and Registration please," the officer asked.

"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," said the lady, smiling.

"Yeah, right!" he replied, "I've never heard of such a license."

The lady reached into her purse and handed him her license.

"Just as I suspected," the officer said, "this is an ordinary license, and I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."

But the lady, still smiling, pointed to the bottom of the license.

"See? It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line.'"

[Mr_Anderson]

What to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this:

Me: Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T....

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T....

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem.

Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's amazing!! AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual heck, can I get a

cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but....

Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for....

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!? AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.

So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food.......

Supervisor: Mr. Salem?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)

Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother.........

AT&T: (click)

Note From Me: When I get a call from a telemarketer I prefer to give them options. I simply tell them Steve is not here right now but would they prefer to speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man ..... Click............

Or My Other Favorite... Are you single? Click............

[ZWarrior]

Here's a list of funny word/thought combinations...

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

8. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

9. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

10. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

11. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

12. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

13. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

14. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

15. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

16. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

17. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

18. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

19. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

20. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

21. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

22. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

23. Every calendar's days are numbered.

[Mr_Anderson]

Signs You Are Getting Old:

You find yourself listening to talk radio.

You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

When jogging is something you do to your memory.

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.

You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

You actually ASK for your father's advice.

You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

[ZWarrior]

A bartender was summoned to court with a subpoena colada.

[ZWarrior]

Every Friday after work, a mathematician went down to the Ice Cream Parlor, sat in the second-to-last seat, turned to the last seat, which was empty, and asked a girl, who wasn't there, if he could buy her an ice cream cone.

The owner usually shrugged and kept quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrived, and the mathematician made a particularly heart wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity got the better of him.

"I apologize for my prying, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in talking to empty space?"

The mathematician replied, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The owner raised his eyebrows.

"Really? That's interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a cone? You never know... she might say yes."

The mathematician laughed.

"Yeah, right. How likely is THAT to happen?"

[Mr_Anderson]

Originally posted by ZWarrior
"Yeah, right. How likely is THAT to happen?"

Thats what Snauz said!

[Mr_Anderson]

Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"
"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.
"How about a foot race to see if your'e right," said the younger employee.
With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an eldery woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them. The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"

[ZWarrior]

made all that more funnier for me since I work for a gas transportation company.

[Mr_Anderson]

Then I'd be running too if I saw you running!

[ZWarrior]

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now," said the teacher, "Can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said.

"To make the gravy!"

[Mr_Anderson]

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 95 on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows 95 CD. Too my surprise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw a inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

1213AEBED4FA56F7D7E8EDE09402F9240EE0E50CC9D44AA08324

'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said. 'No but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:'

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

[ZWarrior]

Today's Joke of the Day....

Michael Jackson's trial verdict coverage.

They followed him, by helicopter, all the way from his ranch to the the courthouse.  Then showed him entering the courthouse.  Then we listened to 20 minutes of talking heads making the same observations over and over.  All trying to waste time while they waited for the verdict to be announced.

How sad that THIS is the important news of the day.  

:;(:

[snauzberries]

Veridct annount...NOT-GULITY on all counts..."sometimes your the smack sometimes your the tard" well in this case the award of tard goes to the jury

[Mr_Anderson]

I guess Snauz was on the jury....

Maybe thats why he's not guilty.

I know you have all of his cd's Snauz!

[ZWarrior]

An elderly lady called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radioed back.

"Disregard, she got in the back-seat by mistake."

[Mr_Anderson]

At the end of a job interview, the head of human resources asked the young engineer out of MIT, "What starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer decides to shoot for the moon, "I'm thinking of 125K a year or so, depending on the benefits package."

"Hmmm. Well what do you say to five weeks paid vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, and retirement funds that will match at 50%, and a company car leased every two years, say maybe a fine Porsche?" replied the interviewer.

The engineer gasps and says, "Wow, are you kidding?"

"Yeah," replies the interviewer, "but you started it."

[ZWarrior]

After living in our house for four years, we were moving out of state. I had backed the truck up to our garage door so that we could start loading all of the boxes. Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn carrying a plate full of muffins.

"Isn't that thoughtful," my wife said to me. "They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff."

The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!"

[Mr_Anderson]

Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all his life, but Steve was hunting for the first time. Joe told Steve to sit down and not make a sound. So he did.

But when Joe got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said.

"Well, I was when the snake bit me," said Steve. "And I was when the bear attacked me... but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat them or take them with us,' I screamed."

[Mr_Anderson]

For years two brothers--one a lawyer and the other a deaf-mute accountant--worked for a mobster. Whenever the mobster and the accountant needed to communicate, the lawyer brother would use sign language and serve as interpreter.
One day the mobster realized his books were short three million dollars. He called in the two brothers. Looking at the lawyer and pointing to the accountant, he screamed, "You tell this idiot I want to know where my money is!"
The brothers conversed briefly, and the lawyer reported that his brother had no idea what the mobster was talking about.
Furious, the mobster put a gun to the accountant's head and screamed at the lawyer brother, "Tell this idiot that he lets me know--right now--where the money is or I'll blow his brains out!"
The lawyer conveyed this to his brother, who immediately explained--in frantic sign language--that the money was hidden in a suitcase under his basement steps.
"Well? What'd he say?" yelled the mobster.
The lawyer shrugged. "He says you don't have the guts."

[Edited on 6-19-2005 by ZWarrior]

[ZWarrior]

Happy Father's Day to you! Here's some perspective from your offspring.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here are the results:

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the... bug is close.

It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

You can lead a horse to water but... how?

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog... math.

If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than... the pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.

Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.

A penny saved is... not much.

Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.

There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose.

[Mr_Anderson]

A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.

"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks. They're all wet."

"What do you mean `all wet?'"

"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."

[ZWarrior]

Beer contains no fat.

Beer is low in sugar.

Beer is a source of soluble fiber which is derived from the cell walls of malted barley. A liter of beer contains an average of 20% of the recommended daily intake of fiber and some beers can provide up to 60%. As well as aiding healthy bowel function, this has a further benefit by slowing down the digestion and absorption of food and reducing cholesterol levels, which may help to reduce the risk of heart disease. Beer itself has no cholesterol.

Moderate levels of consumption of beer have been shown to reduce stress and the chances of heart disease.

Beer contains significant amounts of magnesium, selenium, potassium, phosphorus, biotin, and is chock full of B vitamins.

Researchers based at University College London have found that drinking alcohol, even in low amounts, might be associated with higher cognitive ability, particularly for women.

People who drink one drink a day — wine, beer or hard liquor — show significantly better elasticity of their body's arteries, an important measure of cardiovascular health, according to a new study.

A study showing a beer a day may help keep heart attacks away adds to growing evidence that moderate alcohol consumption may reduce heart disease. Israeli researchers found that drinking one beer (12 ounces) a day triggered changes in blood chemistry that are associated with a reduced risk of heart attack.

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin quote (American Statesman, Scientist, Philosopher, Printer, Writer and Inventor. 1706-1790)