Author Topic: Tickle Our Funny Bones (Read 176024 times)

JollyRoger · « **Reply #375 on:** April 15, 2005, 12:10:16 AM »

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"Okay," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"

ZWarrior · « **Reply #376 on:** April 15, 2005, 08:53:18 AM »

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak... why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes, "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

Mr_Anderson · « **Reply #377 on:** April 17, 2005, 06:52:48 PM »

New error messages currently under consideration for the new Windows XP operating system...

1    Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2    Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3    BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
4    Close your eyes and press escape three times.
5    File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
6    Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
7    Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
8    Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
9    Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10 Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

JollyRoger · « **Reply #378 on:** April 17, 2005, 08:02:26 PM »

LOL, Those Still Tickle me, I remember the firsttime I heard those.

snauzberries · « **Reply #379 on:** April 17, 2005, 09:41:03 PM »

*What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.

*What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.

*What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer key-
board?
The space bar.

*What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.

*Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.

*What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.

*To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a
computer.

*Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

*Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

*My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.

*The attention span of a computer is as long as its elect-
rical cord.

ZWarrior · « **Reply #380 on:** April 17, 2005, 09:42:27 PM »

Two original Volkswagen Beetle drivers met in a parking lot and were swapping advice about each other's car.

"I don`t know what it is, but my engine makes a funny noise,"
commented one driver.

The other driver asked to open the engine hood to look and discover any possible problems.

Upon reaching the front of the car, the driver opened the hood. Both drivers immediately shrieked.

"No wonder I've been having problems," stated the first.
"Someone stole my engine!"

"No problem, there's nothing to worry about," replied the other. "I have a spare in the back of mine."

ZWarrior · « **Reply #381 on:** April 18, 2005, 10:30:23 AM »

Here is a listing of funny IRS-directed questions, gathered by Donna Wilson.

Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.
IRS: What does it say?
Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.

Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?

Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.

Caller: Could you please send me some of those WD-40's?

Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Well, sort of...
IRS: What? Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.

Mr_Anderson · « **Reply #382 on:** April 18, 2005, 10:32:45 AM »

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

ZWarrior · « **Reply #383 on:** April 18, 2005, 12:48:21 PM »

There were many times that I wanted to say something like that!

I was such a coward as a child. Probably because I would get the whupping of my life when I got home if that happened.

Mr_Anderson · « **Reply #384 on:** April 18, 2005, 02:32:10 PM »

A Welshman an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said...''Meow''.

"Just cats," he thought.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said....''woof''.

"Just dogs," he thought.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said.....''potatoes!''

ZWarrior · « **Reply #385 on:** April 19, 2005, 08:14:30 AM »

Nuh-an, I said "Whiskey!"

Mr_Anderson · « **Reply #386 on:** April 19, 2005, 09:56:48 AM »

hree blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over.
The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"
"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.
The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."

ZWarrior · « **Reply #387 on:** April 19, 2005, 10:18:00 AM »

A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.00. He thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read...

"Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, they deducted $95.00."

Mr_Anderson · « **Reply #388 on:** April 19, 2005, 10:53:41 AM »

Now he just need to write 20 more letters!

ZWarrior · « **Reply #389 on:** April 20, 2005, 10:22:34 AM »

A gentleman was having some physical problems, and as a solution his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast.

At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse.

"Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?"

"No," replied the man, "All I could do was about 15 minutes!"

Mr_Anderson · « **Reply #390 on:** April 20, 2005, 12:57:29 PM »

DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
SON - What's up, Dad?
DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully,that I scratched the car.
DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
SON - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.
DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
SON - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?
SON - From President Clinton.

ZWarrior · « **Reply #391 on:** April 21, 2005, 09:25:14 AM »

The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation with another fella said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"

The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"

Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"

The second man said, "That's my daughter!"

Mr_Anderson · « **Reply #392 on:** April 21, 2005, 09:37:09 AM »

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo.
When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?"

ZWarrior · « **Reply #393 on:** April 21, 2005, 01:43:23 PM »

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning
the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes
there.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux,
waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house.
Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way
back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you
see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going
to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"

Mr_Anderson · « **Reply #394 on:** April 21, 2005, 02:11:10 PM »

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

ZWarrior · « **Reply #395 on:** April 22, 2005, 09:46:46 AM »

Two Cabbage heads were walking down a road one day and one was struck by a car. The other Cabbage head picked him up and took him to the hospital where the Doctor worked on him.

When the doctor came out he said "I have good news and bad news."

"The good news is that I sewed his head up and got his leaves all back on straight. The bad news is he will be a vegetable the rest of his life."

Mr_Anderson · « **Reply #396 on:** April 22, 2005, 11:07:53 AM »

A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child. In order to make a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy would prefer to live with.
"Well, Johnny" says the Judge, "Would you like to live with your Mother?"
"No" replied Johnny, "she hits me all the time"
"Well then," the Judge continues, "Would you like to live your your Father?"
"No" replied Johnny again, "He hits me all the time too!"
The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy "Well Johnny, who would you like to live with?"
"I'd like to live with Watford Football Club" the boy replied quickly.
"Why on earth would you want to live with the Watford Football Club?" replied the now extremely puzzled Judge.
"Well" replied Johnny, "They never beat anyone"

Mr_Anderson · « **Reply #397 on:** April 23, 2005, 07:09:48 PM »

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.
The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.
Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.
A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.
This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

ZWarrior · « **Reply #398 on:** April 25, 2005, 10:43:24 AM »

A certain retired man volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals, and usually takes his portable keyboard along.

At one particular outing, he told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished, he said in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

Mr_Anderson · « **Reply #399 on:** April 25, 2005, 11:46:45 AM »

Learn to speak Chinese!

English             Chinese

Are you harboring a fugitive?    Hu Yu Hai Ding?

Small Horse             Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?       Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table       Ai Bang Mai Ni

Has your flight been delayed?      Hao Long Wei Ting?

An unauthorized execution       Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet       Wai Yu Mun Ching?

He's cleaning his automobile       Wa Shing Ka

I think you need a facelift Chin Tu Fat

[Edited on 4-25-2005 by Mr_Anderson]

News:

Recent Posts

Fiction

Permissions

Author Topic: Tickle Our Funny Bones (Read 176024 times)