Tickle Our Funny Bones

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

oldie but goodie

[JollyRoger]

i remeber getting that in an email.

[Mr_Anderson]

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That
was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror to blot it and would leave dozens of little lip
prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next
day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called
all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate
how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance
man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a
long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror
with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..

There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

[Mr_Anderson]

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."

Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'

[ZWarrior]

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor.

"I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

[Mr_Anderson]

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"

[ZWarrior]

A woman asked at the bank to open a joint account.

When asked if the account would be with her husband, she replied, "Oh no, could I have one with someone who has a lot of money?"

[Mr_Anderson]

When Joe's wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living."

"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, do you do for a living?"

"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.

[ZWarrior]

It seems that every time John, our piano tuner, comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him that it should be done every six months, but I don't really think about it until the piano sounds off-key. Last time he came over, I was on the defensive.

"If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion."

Without hesitating, he replied, "From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me."

[ZWarrior]

A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."

Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.

Later that day the pastor and his wife were over for dinner.

The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"

The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give.

Then she said, "That's because my mother said it's empty, and you have to put something into it!"

[JollyRoger]

That was good
roflol

[Mr_Anderson]

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
ballooning, or rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to be
80?"

[ZWarrior]

Amen to that!

[Mr_Anderson]

How many Microsoft Support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they have declared darkness to be the new standard.

-- Or --

One, but only if "light bulb" can be found in the Microsoft Knowledge Base.

[ZWarrior]

Originally posted by Mr_Anderson
How many Microsoft Support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they let the Hardware techs worry about the environment.

[Mr_Anderson]

Nice! :lol

[Mr_Anderson]

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked , "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

[ZWarrior]

"Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," said the farmer as he talked to his faithful worker.

"You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."

"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag,' not 'feedback.'"

[Mr_Anderson]

All objects in the world can be placed into one of two categories:

- things that need to be fixed,
- things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.

[ZWarrior]

Here is a list of funny golfer and caddie remarks. Enjoy!

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Do you think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch--it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

[Mr_Anderson]

Things You Don't Want to Hear Your System Administrator Saying:

NO! Not that button!
Do you smell something?
I have never seen it do that before...
Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
What do you mean you needed that directory?
Where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
I cleaned up the root partition and now there's lots of free space.

[Mr_Anderson]

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

[ZWarrior]

The pastor was preaching to his congregation concerning what heaven would be like. He explained that there would be no money in heaven--those things would no longer matter.

A little boy sitting with his mother was listening intently.

Upon hearing these words, he leaned toward his mother and whispered into her ear, "Hey, Mom, it sounds like we are already in heaven."

[Mr_Anderson]

Programmer's drinking song:

99 little bugs in the code,

99 bugs in the code,

Fix one bug, compile it again,

101 little bugs in the code.

101 little bugs in the code,

101 bugs in the code,

Fix one bug, compile it again,

103 little bugs in the code.